Blog Cry

As a highly successful lyricist said once, “I can’t see it coming down my eyes…” So I have to let this blog cry.

I am beyond frustrated! The problem with being a thinker is that I tend to over think and throw myself into a flurry of destructive emotions. I feel angry, sad, hurt, depressed; altogether worthless at times. And I don’t even think anyone is aware…

It’s not their fault- I’ve gotten pretty good at ‘faking it til I make it’ and masking my emotions. It’s unhealthy and I know it, but I just don’t want to burden anyone. I don’t want to be ‘Debbie Downer’.

Speaking of ‘burdens’, a huge part of my frustration comes from my unsuccessful job hunt thus far. I have an income but I’ve been looking for a job so that I could lighten my husband’s load and be more independent.

There are things that we as a couple want to do as well as goals that I have individually. I need a job so that I can finance my goals and help my husband save for the future. As it stands now, we are doing okay. But we both want more than that.

Initially, hubby was opposed to the idea of me working- although we met at work. He liked me staying at home. Cooking, cleaning; responding to his every beck and call…

But I hate it! There was a point where I briefly settled into it and almost liked it. But, as soon as a financial hardship came along, guilt cut me to my core. “How am I at home chilling while he struggles to take care of the family?!” I asked myself.

Also, I felt powerless; dependent. Like a child…that cooks well. I struggle with my purpose in life; which is only amplified by the belief that my spouse doesn’t value my time. He calls repeatedly and randomly- most times with nothing of importance to say.

So, I got tired.

I decided I would rejoin the work force.

But this journey has been difficult. I have literally applied to hundreds of jobs and have not been hired yet!

I have a chronic condition, so I actually need a more administrative position; but despite my degree in business administration, I am constantly overlooked. And then I get desperate and apply for a more manual job. Because I need to make money yesterday.

So many of my goals are riding on me getting an additional income, that I feel like I’m going to suffocate under the pressure of it all. When I think of going on an interview, I get anxious and want to back out of it. The scrutiny, the thought of rejection and then the reality of rejection crush me every time.

It hurts.

I want to cry. I mean really cry!

But that won’t get me where I want to go.

So, I have to keep going. Keep applying. Try not to internalize everything or take every rejection personally.

This is so hard to do.

So I had to let the blog cry.