Hello Beautiful Souls!
As some of you may already know, I was in a narcissistic marriage for nearly five years. It was this toxic marriage that led me onto the path of life coaching, I began to do research as a form of healing and self-development. I wasn’t familiar with narcissism and all of it’s intricacies. Before this marriage I didn’t quite understand why women stayed in toxic relationships. I was aware of the prospect of fear, and that some women stay in an effort to keep their families together for the children (which I may address in a later blog) but my personal experience helped me to understand that it’s so much more complicated than meets the eye. Generally, divorces and break-ups are painful. With the added elements of manipulation and emotional abuse, leaving a narcissist can cause a cycle of emotions that I hadn’t previously considered.
Similarly to losing a loved one, there are stages of grief and loss after narcissistic abuse. I felt very conflicted, confused, and was in denial about some of my feelings; which is actually the first stage.
Denial
As I continued reading and learning about the reality of the marriage I was in, I shook my head in disbelief. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t that bad. That yes, I was unhappy, but calling it ‘abuse’ was extreme. It was my denial that caused me to downplay what I was experiencing and make excuses for his passive-aggressive energy, the occasional name calling, the random arguments behind the smallest things. I would say, ‘well, he had a rough day at work’ or ‘he’s got a lot on his plate’. The more excuses I made for his behavior, the more his behavior began to escalate. His escalation completely shattered my denial. I could see very clearly that our marriage was not only over, but I would never want to share time or space with this man on any capacity.
Suggestion: While going through the stage of denial connect with or find a support system. It would be best if they have some knowledge or understanding of narcissistic abuse. Also therapeutic execises and journaling are very helpful. When journaling be authentic and express your true feelings. Create a written account of the toxic behaviors and refer to them when you start to feel denial setting in again.
The love bombing had lost its charm and all I could see was the truth. This led me to the second stage-
Anger
I was angry at him for the way he treated me. I was angry that I’d shared my vulnerabilities with him and my hopes. I was angry that I loved him the best way that I knew how and nothing was good enough. I was angry at him for lying to me, not valuing me, for all the manipulation. I was angry with him, but I was most angry with myself. I was angry at myself for allowing him to treat me that way.
Suggestion: While dealing with feelings of anger, practice self-compassion and enjoy physical activities to release pent up anger.
I began to focus on personal development and self-reflection to process my anger. I personally did not experience stage number three, which is:
Bargaining
The bargaining stage of the grief/ loss cycle is the point in which you aim to reconcile or seek resolution with the narcissistic or abusive ex. You have those nagging thoughts or doubts such as, ‘could I have done something differently?’ Maybe you sit and reflect on the good times and think to yourself that maybe he/she can change.
The fact of the matter is that change is not likely. The reality is that you’re likely to experience much more mental and emotional damage trying to wait things out and hope for change. Ponder this- if you were getting what you wanted with little to no accountability and minimal effort required, would you change your behavior?
It’s best in this situation to cut ties and communication as much as possible and move forward in your healing process.
Suggestion: if you feel the desire to bargain, remind yourself of the patterns and cycles of abuse, focus on your growth and healing, and engage in self-reflection.
Depression
Stage number four of grief and loss after narcissistic abuse is depression. Many women and men experience depression after narcissistic or emotional abuse, it’s completely normal. In many narcissistic relationships, the victims experience profound feelings of loss.
Loss of idealized image of narcissist. This person poses as your dream come true and then you find out that ‘your soulmate’ isn’t real.
Loss of time and energy wasted. Planning a life with a person, loving them, learning their likes and dislikes, various sacrifices and compromises made for a person who was just using you to supply them with love, affection, and validation without any reciprocity.
Loss of sense of self. This can be especially true for empaths and people pleasers. Pouring yourself into a person too much can cause self-neglect. When you lose your sense of self it can interfere cognitively as well as emotionally.
Depression can cause stress, anxiety, and brain fog as well as a feeling of ‘being stuck’ or ‘feeling lost’.
It’s really important to acknowledge your feelings and seek help if needed.
Suggestion: It’s vital to seek support and check in with your feelings often. Allow yourself to grieve. Talk to a therapist, counselor or other trusted person. Enjoy self-care activities and join support groups and communities as well. The healing journey is tough, but you don’t have to do it alone.
This is the fifth and final stage in the grief and loss cycle and it is by far the best. Acceptance is when you acknowledge reality and commit to growth.
This stage has been liberating for me because I’ve taken responsibility for my actions and my healing and make daily steps toward improvement. I am on a journey of self-discovery, self-development and self-love.
Suggestion: When in the stage of acceptance, continue to heal and self-develop. Embrace self-compassion as well as compassion towards others. Try personal growth activities, be gentle with yourself and acknowledge the progress you’ve made.
Remember that the key is to heal adequately so that the victim does not become the villain.
Until next time, beautiful souls…keep Glowing.
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