Hello Beautiful Souls!

As some of you may already know, I was in a narcissistic marriage for nearly five years. It was this toxic marriage that led me onto the path of life coaching, I began to do research as a form of healing and self-development. I wasn’t familiar with narcissism and all of it’s intricacies. Before this marriage I didn’t quite understand why women stayed in toxic relationships. I was aware of the prospect of fear, and that some women stay in an effort to keep their families together for the children (which I may address in a later blog) but my personal experience helped me to understand that it’s so much more complicated than meets the eye. Generally, divorces and break-ups are painful. With the added elements of manipulation and emotional abuse, leaving a narcissist can cause a cycle of emotions that I hadn’t previously considered.

Similarly to losing a loved one, there are stages of grief and loss after narcissistic abuse. I felt very conflicted, confused, and was in denial about some of my feelings; which is actually the first stage.

Denial

As I continued reading and learning about the reality of the marriage I was in, I shook my head in disbelief. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t that bad. That yes, I was unhappy, but calling it ‘abuse’ was extreme. It was my denial that caused me to downplay what I was experiencing and make excuses for his passive-aggressive energy, the occasional name calling, the random arguments behind the smallest things. I would say, ‘well, he had a rough day at work’ or ‘he’s got a lot on his plate’. The more excuses I made for his behavior, the more his behavior began to escalate. His escalation completely shattered my denial. I could see very clearly that our marriage was not only over, but I would never want to share time or space with this man on any capacity.

Suggestion: While going through the stage of denial connect with or find a support system. It would be best if they have some knowledge or understanding of narcissistic abuse. Also therapeutic execises and journaling are very helpful. When journaling be authentic and express your true feelings. Create a written account of the toxic behaviors and refer to them when you start to feel denial setting in again.

The love bombing had lost its charm and all I could see was the truth. This led me to the second stage-

Anger

I was angry at him for the way he treated me. I was angry that I’d shared my vulnerabilities with him and my hopes. I was angry that I loved him the best way that I knew how and nothing was good enough. I was angry at him for lying to me, not valuing me, for all the manipulation. I was angry with him, but I was most angry with myself. I was angry at myself for allowing him to treat me that way.

Suggestion: While dealing with feelings of anger, practice self-compassion and enjoy physical activities to release pent up anger.

I began to focus on personal development and self-reflection to process my anger. I personally did not experience stage number three, which is:

Bargaining

The bargaining stage of the grief/ loss cycle is the point in which you aim to reconcile or seek resolution with the narcissistic or abusive ex. You have those nagging thoughts or doubts such as, ‘could I have done something differently?’ Maybe you sit and reflect on the good times and think to yourself that maybe he/she can change.

The fact of the matter is that change is not likely. The reality is that you’re likely to experience much more mental and emotional damage trying to wait things out and hope for change. Ponder this- if you were getting what you wanted with little to no accountability and minimal effort required, would you change your behavior?  

It’s best in this situation to cut ties and communication as much as possible and move forward in your healing process.

Suggestion: if you feel the desire to bargain, remind yourself of the patterns and cycles of abuse, focus on your growth and healing, and engage in self-reflection.

Depression

Stage number four of grief and loss after narcissistic abuse is depression. Many women and men experience depression after narcissistic or emotional abuse, it’s completely normal. In many narcissistic relationships, the victims experience profound feelings of loss.

Loss of idealized image of narcissist. This person poses as your dream come true and then you find out that ‘your soulmate’ isn’t real.

Loss of time and energy wasted. Planning a life with a person, loving them, learning their likes and dislikes, various sacrifices and compromises made for a person who was just using you to supply them with love, affection, and validation without any reciprocity.

Loss of sense of self. This can be especially true for empaths and people pleasers. Pouring yourself into a person too much can cause self-neglect. When you lose your sense of self it can interfere cognitively as well as emotionally.

Depression can cause stress, anxiety, and brain fog as well as a feeling of ‘being stuck’ or ‘feeling lost’.

It’s really important to acknowledge your feelings and seek help if needed.

Suggestion: It’s vital to seek support and check in with your feelings often. Allow yourself to grieve. Talk to a therapist, counselor or other trusted person. Enjoy self-care activities and join support groups and communities as well. The healing journey is tough, but you don’t have to do it alone.

Acceptance

This is the fifth and final stage in the grief and loss cycle and it is by far the best. Acceptance is when you acknowledge reality and commit to growth.

This stage has been liberating for me because I’ve taken responsibility for my actions and my healing and make daily steps toward improvement. I am on a journey of self-discovery, self-development and self-love.

Suggestion: When in the stage of acceptance, continue to heal and self-develop. Embrace self-compassion as well as compassion towards others. Try personal growth activities, be gentle with yourself and acknowledge the progress you’ve made.

Remember that the key is to heal adequately so that the victim does not become the villain.

Until next time, beautiful souls…keep Glowing.

Hello Beautiful Souls!

The pursuit of happiness is one of the basic elements of human existence. We want to be happy. So why are so many people unhappy then? Most likely people are not happy because they are missing one of the six keys to happiness.

The most important key to your personal happiness is determining that you will be happy. For many people, their personal happiness is not a priority in their life. Too often, we put the happiness of others before our own. While this may please our children, spouse, or boss, this is not the path to happiness. This doesn’t mean you should make yourself happy at the expense of others, but you must remember that the reverse should also not be true — your happiness should not be sacrificed to make others happy.

Once you have determined to make your pursuit of happiness a priority you need to determine just what it is that makes you happy. Spend some time reviewing the happy times in your life. Think about memories that make you smile or activities that make you joyful. Can you find a common element or theme? Then that is one of the keys to finding true happiness for you.

Now that you have identified what makes you happy you need to engage in that activity. Perhaps you need a creative outlet? Join a writing group, take an art class, or learn an instrument. Do you need physical activity? Then find a way to get back into a sport you love or try a different sport. Just find a way to reconnect with this key element.

 For most of us, special people in our lives can provide another element of happiness. Connection to others makes the human experience more joyful. Perhaps you have lost touch with someone important and can reach out to them to reconnect. Or maybe you just need to plan some special time with family. It is important to our own pursuit of happiness to stay connected with those we love.

Another essential to finding true happiness is to give of ourselves as well. Helping others in both small and large ways can help make you happier and more content. You might even be able to find a way to combine giving and engaging in an activity that makes you happy. For example, if you love to make people laugh you could organize a community talent show as a fundraiser for a local charity.

Finally, make a list of all the aspects of your life that do make you happy. So many of us get down because we dwell on the negative, but usually there is something about your life that makes you happy. Make a list of these items so you can have a quick mood enhancer when you feel down.

The pursuit of happiness does not have to be challenging or arduous. Finding true happiness can be as simply as determining, identifying, engaging, connecting, giving and reminding yourself of the 6 keys to personal happiness.

If you’ve been through some emotional challenges and are having difficulties finding your happiness again, try journaling to sort through your thoughts or reach out to a therapist or other trusted counselor or coach to help you find clarity. Free consultations are available to see if we’d be a good fit to work together as well.

Until next time beautiful souls, keep Glowing…

Bounce back from Failure with Determination.

Hello Beautiful Souls!

Recently I published a new ebook on my website entitled “7 Ways to Bounce Back from Failure” so, in the continued theme of that book, I’d like to share some thoughts with you regarding a very important aspect in bouncing back from failure- perseverance. Perseverance is continuing to do something in spite of obstacles or difficulties. It is one of the best qualities to have because with perseverance success in your endeavors is almost guaranteed.

To persevere we need to have faith that we can succeed. If we don’t believe success is possible for us, we will not be motivated to continue. But this is the dilemma. If we don’t have much belief in ourselves, we will quit our efforts more readily, and when we quit, we obviously fail and that seems to give credit to the idea we couldn’t succeed anyway. Sadly, this can develop into a regular habit. If on the other hand, we believe we will succeed, we will not give up. We may encounter great difficulties or even defeats, but because we believe we’ll ultimately succeed, even with failures we just change our tactics or adjust our goals a little and continue to try. Because we keep trying and adjusting, we greatly improve our chances of success. This is the essence of self-fulfilling prophecy.

So, at the heart of success, is the ability to persevere. But how do we encourage this quality in ourselves?

Be aware of your desire to give up too early, and of the truth that persistence will almost always lead to success. When you start a new endeavor, make a promise to yourself that you will try it for a specific period of time and won’t quit before that time is up. Make the interval of time short if you need to, but no matter what, keep your promise and do not quit before the allotted time. When the deadline arrives, you can then decide if your strategy is working and you should continue in the same manner, or if you need to adjust your strategy. Allow yourself to abandon one strategy in favor of another after you’ve given it a fair trial, but never quit on your goals.

Until Next time Beautiful Souls, keep Glowing… http://www.glowwithmimi.com

Hello Beautiful Souls!

If you find yourself doing the same routine day after day, never remembering what you did the day before, having nothing to look forward to, living your life – but never enjoying it or anything in it…you are probably living your life and the relationships in it on autopilot. 

The really devastating part about living life on autopilot, especially when it comes to your relationships, is that you don’t even know that you’re doing it half the time. You’re just living your life, wishing for more, but not really sure if there is more or how to get it.  While many people live out their entire lives on autopilot (which is truly sad), the way to have truly rewarding and successful lives & relationships is to be totally aware and adaptable when it comes to life.  So, how do you do that?

1. Stop and smell the roses-literally :). Take time to notice all the little things around you that you always used to look at when you were 6!

2. Think about your short and long-term goals. Do you still have those? And if so – are you still working toward them? Re-write that list and start working on accomplishing your next short-term goal.

3. Remember your relationship? When was the last time you did something new with him/her? When was the last time you even wanted to? Start thinking about your relationship and stop just “being in it”.

Finally, if you are on autopilot there’s a reason why. Your life is out of balance. It’s either too stressful, too complicated, too boring, or you have surrendered your life to the “routine”.   Take one day this week and really think about your life. Your relationship. How can you shake things up? Make them interesting? How can you get back in balance and in love with your life again?

I hope I gave you some things to consider. I wish you the best in adding color back into your life!

Until next time beautiful souls, keep Glowing…

Keep Calm

Hello Beautiful Souls! Here are a few tips that can help you relax quickly. Why should you learn how to relax fast? Because stress is more than just unpleasant. It’s also dangerous. Many diseases are now known to be caused by or made worse by stress, but you can do something about it. Just try these relaxation techniques today and use them whenever you feel that tension coming on.

1. Have a hot shower- The hot water relaxes your muscles, and the break from more stressful activities helps too. I find that a water meditation is quite useful as well.

2. Play relaxing music- Experiment to see which music relaxes you the most effectively. Then keep your favorite relaxation playlist handy wherever you’ll need it most. I have a few playlists on youtube and itunes depending on my mood. It works wonders!

3. Go somewhere else- This really helps if the things stressing you out are in the room or associated with it. Why not get out for a little while? Bodies of water are my favorite, but going outside or just leaving the room you’re in will suffice as well.

4. Have a cup of chamomile tea- Chamomile seems to have a calming effect on the nerves, and hot drinks in general can help you relax.

5. Watch your mind- If you can spot the stressors lurking just below the surface (hunger, worry, a phone call you need to make), you can resolve them and feel more relaxed.

6. Have a laugh- Of course, you know from experience that this helps you relax, right? Find the guy that knows all the best jokes, or just find something funny in front of you. In case you’re not in the most funny environment, watch something amusing on your device. Movies with Eddie Murphy in them or an episode of the office almost always make me laugh.

7. Breath deep through your nose- Just close your eyes and pay attention only to your breathing while doing this. Five slow deep breaths is like a mini-meditation.

8. Take a walk- Walking is one of the best relaxation techniques if you have at least ten minutes to spare. Find a pretty place to walk while you’re at it.

9. Give someone a hug- As long as it’s from somebody you don’t mind hugging, this really can be very relaxing.

10. Interrupt your routine- Stop to talk to that guy sleeping on the bench or eat lunch on the roof, at the park, or outdoors. Anything that breaks you out of your habitual patterns can relieve stress.

Over time you can change to be more relaxed.  In the meantime, the relaxation techniques above really aren’t difficult, so why not try a few, and learn how to relax fast?

Until next time Beautiful Souls, keep Glowing…

http://www.glowwithmimi.com

Hello Beautiful Souls!

To those of you who have never felt lost (you should be immensely grateful by the way) this may seem like a strange topic to you. On the surface it seems an odd idea that you could actually be anything other than who you really are.  But from the time we can talk, we’re being programmed to “fit in”.  We find ourselves conforming in order to please the people we love, and who love us.

But sometimes appeasing the people you love means that you have to suppress what you know is the real person inside. We often make these sacrifices for different relationships, forgetting that the relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship you’ll ever have.  Without a healthy relationship with yourself, it’s practically impossible to have healthy relationships with anyone else. 

If you’re ready to get reacquainted with someone you haven’t seen in a while – you – start with these 4 ideas to help you rediscover the real you. 

• Quiet the noise in your head

You know those voices well, the ones that are constantly nagging you to pick up the dry cleaning, talk to the schoolteacher, juggle the bills, schedule the vet, cook dinner, keep the boss happy.  With all that noise going on, it will be impossible for you to hear the thoughts and ideas that’ll lead to genuine happiness.  This MUST be the first step.  How do you do that?  By setting up systems, simplifying, and establishing enough extras in your life to allow you to operate from a position of abundance, instead of lack.

• Practice thinking about yourself in healthy ways

In order to do that, you must first believe that you are valuable, and your Real Self has something to offer the world.  Since you talk to yourself more than everyone else in your life combined –that’s a lot of talk! —it’s up to YOU to establish healthy communication in your thinking.  Consciously listen to how you talk to yourself; write down the unhealthy things you say, challenge them; and replace them with facts. Self-Talk: “You never do anything right.”  Challenge: “Of course I do things right.  I did (example) right.  I did (example) right.  This time, I just made a mistake.  I’ll learn from it and have better success next time.” 

• Listen to your heart

Sounds easy enough, but by the time we’re adults, most of us have stopped listening to our hearts and go only with our heads. Our hopes and dreams have become foolish ideas; quiet whispers.  The heart and mind must reconnect in order to find your real self.  It’s easy to become accustomed to thinking about your feelings instead of really feeling them.  Instead of asking yourself what you think about something, ask how it makes you feel and why it’s important. 

• Be careful not to get hung-up on a specific goal

What you’re really after is fulfillment — respect, love, appreciation, abundance, time freedom – as opposed to superficial things that give an impression of success.  Keep an open mind to the feelings and be willing to adjust the methods you use to achieve them. This is not to say that goal setting isn’t important- on the contrary. Setting a goal and taking action starts you on the path to success. Just don’t be too rigid in how your goal gets accomplished. When setting goals, focus on how it satisfies who you really are.  You’ll feel the freedom of authenticity and your real self will come shining through. 

The genuine person you can know and love is waiting for you to take the time to listen, understand, and accept.  When you accept your Real Self again, you’ll make smarter choices, and those choices will stick because they actually fit who you are.  Now, that’s what you’re really looking for, isn’t it?

In case you missed it, my coaching program is available for women who’ve experienced emotional and/or narcissistic abuse. The program is effective in dismantling limiting beliefs, building confidence, and setting goals.

Go to http://www.glowwithmimi.com to sign up before the first 10 or before September 21 when the promotion ends! (9/21/23)

Until next time beautiful souls, keep glowing…

Hello Beautiful Souls!

In this day and age, we are so inundated with choice and opportunity that you might even say we are spoiled by our over-abundance of choices. Everyone seems to take pride in having options. There is just so much that we could do, we often end up not doing anything at all. Procrastination is one of the biggest dream killers. In a world where there is so much demand for your attention, it is becoming ever more difficult to stay focused and act on the things that would truly give you an extraordinary quality of life. Time is, was, and always will be your most valuable asset and the way you use it will determine what you create or fail to create with and for your life. Having an effective strategy for overcoming procrastination is critical if you truly want to push past short-term obstacles to create a life of fulfilment.

The intricacies of modern life tend to overwhelm us, which leads to an emotional overload that will distract you and scatter your effort and concentration. There simply isn’t enough time to do everything, but there is always enough time for the most important things in your life. Success at anything in life, whether it be your finances, your relationships, or your body, requires an investment of time and effort from you. You need to focus and concentrate your physical and emotional resources on creating a desired result.

The first step in overcoming procrastination is to get clear on what exactly you want from every area of your life. This clarity will give you the power to look past distractions that may throw you off course. It gives you a direction and a target which will help to build a mental picture for your life. One of the most destructive effects of procrastination is that it makes you feel out of control. If you don’t know what you want it is all too easy to jump from one task to the next. Apart from knowing what you want you should also develop some strong reasons why you want it. This will give you a sense of purpose and motivation that is critical for staying focused long term.

One of the most powerful strategies for overcoming procrastination is to learn how to break your tasks up into bite size pieces. Any task, no matter how big, can be broken down into small manageable tasks that are easy to do. If you focus on climbing Mount Everest it will probably put you off immediately, but if you focus on climbing seven small mountain sections it becomes more possible in your mind to do. The power of chunking down your “big” tasks empowers you to take back control of any overwhelming situation – you cut it down to size. Your size.

One of the quickest ways to overcome procrastination is to learn and utilize the power of immediacy. What can you do immediately? What action can you take right now that will move you closer to your goal? Doing something, no matter how small, will immediately break your mental pattern of procrastination and put you back in control. Taking the first step, even if it is small, will create momentum and you will almost automatically be driven to take another step. Don’t wait for everything to be perfect before you take the first step. Just do it. Just get it going. Often you will only know what to do next after taking that first step.

There are many strategies and skills you can use for overcoming procrastination. You don’t have to be stuck or spinning your wheels. Like any skill you need to learn and practice it until you get good at it. Eventually it will become an automatic response and you will develop the habit of taking action despite your fears or perceived limitations.

For more tips on how to beat procrastination, check out my ebook 101 Tips for Avoiding Procrastination. It is available for purchase on my website www.glowwithmimi.com in the personal development hub.

If you or someone you know has experienced Narcissistic or Emotional Abuse and needs help with clarity and goal setting, send me a message or book a free consultation to discuss a plan of action.

Until next time Beautiful Souls, keep Glowing…

Hello Beautiful Souls!

This is definitely something that I needed to reflect on and remind myself of, so I wanted to share it with you. So, without any further ado, here are the eight steps to achieve any goal.

1. Know exactly what you want

This may sound obvious but unless you know exactly what you want, how can you achieve it? The more details, numbers, dates you can plan the better. You need a very clear focus of what you do want in order to receive it. If possible, visualize, or develop a vivid mental picture of what you want. Make it like a movie or daydream with as many details as possible.

2. Write down your goals

This is one technique that sorts out the people who succeed and the people who fail. We are constantly reminded how important it is to write down your goals yet very very few of us do it. Writing down goals more adequately dedicates them to memory and creates a bit of a command to your brain. According to research you are 95% more likely to achieve your goal if it is written down. Enough said. Do it!

3. Believe

If you try and achieve a goal that you don’t truly believe in, your subconscious mind will not allow you to achieve it. You’ll only succeed in tearing yourself up inside. As Napoleon Hill said, “Whatever the mind of a man can conceive and believe, it can achieve”. To increase your belief, try writing down a list of reasons why you are capable of this goal. If you can only think of one reason to start, repeat that one reason to yourself until you build more confidence.

4. Remind yourself constantly of the goal

The more you repeat it to your subconscious mind, the more it will be programmed in. There are a variety of techniques you can use including repeating affirmations or using subliminal software. If you spend a lot of time on your computer I recommend using software that flashes messages on your screen that only the subconscious can pick up.

5. Be passionate about your goal

You’re far more likely to achieve your goal if it excites you. Think about all the benefits to you once you have achieved your goal. Imagine how you would feel, how would your life be different.

6. Break it down into bite size chunks

If you have really big goals then great. The only way you’ll be big is to think big. However sometimes you may need to break it down into smaller intermediate goals. It makes it easier for you to believe it’s possible and it helps you organize yourself on a short, medium and long term.

7. Reward yourself along the way

Every Time you have some success make sure you reward yourself. It will help keep the desire and enthusiasm burning. It will also tell your subconscious mind you’re achieving your goals.

8. Stay positive at all times

Ultimately the only person who can stop you achieving your goals is YOU. Fear and self doubt are common enemies but are only created in your mind. You must also make sure that you are concentrating on what you do want, not what you don’t want. From time you may not feel positive and that’s okay. Acknowledge the negative emotion, break it down and redirect your thoughts so that you get back on a positive wavelength. Take a few deep breaths, reaffirm your goals and continue to push forward.

Remember the only way you will fail is if you give up.

I hope that this was a helpful reminder for you to keep striving for the beautiful life that your deserve. It is attainable. Don’t give up on yourself!

Until next Time Beautiful Souls, keep Glowing…

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