This week is all about the second step in The Evolution to our best selves: Be Intentional.
(Step one was last week’s topic: Show Up For Yourself!)
To be intentional is to be mindful of your thoughts, aware of your actions, and to be deliberate with your time and energy. In short, being intentional means that your actions have a specific aim or purpose.
Here are some tips for being intentional:
1. Prioritize tasks
2. Create a schedule
3. Set boundaries
4. Form good habits
An accountability partner may also be useful if you find yourself losing motivation.
If you’d like some suggestions or have any that you’d like to add, feel free to comment and let me know!
Next week, we will be talking about the third step in the ongoing process of evolution: Self Evaluation.
Always remember; you are heard, you are loved, you are seen.
I just wanted to take a moment to check on all the adults out there.
The wearers of many hats. The ones putting everything into everyone else but themselves.
I see you.
I see you being the stellar employee at work, the kids’ personal chef, the sounding board for your spouse. The “go to” friend or relative. You’re always there when they need you. You always show up and are present,, aware,, engaged,, attentive. You give 110% to the people you care about. But do you show up for yourself?
If you’re anything like I used to be, the answer is a resounding “NO.”
I had to learn to show up for myself. I started with prioritizing myself and I struggled with it at first. It felt wrong. I felt like I was being selfish. I was so used to putting myself on the back burner that basic self care felt like overindulgence.
I had to realize that self care is not wrong. It is vital and should be a daily occurrence. Even if it is a small thing, we must do something for ourselves every day.
Take a few minutes out of your day and invest in yourself. My intention each day is to spend half an hour enriching myself. Some days I reach and even exceed my goal and others…not so much. It happens. Fifteen minutes invested is better than no time at all…
Feel like you’re too busy to commit? Here are a few suggestions:
Set an alarm. If possible, wake up a few minutes earlier than the family to have a moment to yourself.
Fake sleep. This may sound silly, but when I was in a really controlling relationship, I used to wake up and be completely still for a while. I’d meditate and think positive thoughts before getting out of bed. Those positive thoughts really helped me through some rough days.
Go to the bathroom. Another strategy I learned during my last marriage. Going to the bathroom can give you a moment to gather yourself and take a few deep breaths. One of my favorites is three deep breaths. Inhale Peace. Exhale Love. It works in a pinch!
If you found these tips useful, would like to know more, or have any other tips, please feel free to reach out and let me know. 😊
The key to showing up for yourself is being intentional; which I will go into more detail about next week.
I wish the very best for you and challenge you to show up for yourself!
I’ve been processing a lot of emotions lately. To be completely honest I didn’t know if all the emotions were mine or where they were coming from. Self evaluation and reflection have become some of my most powerful tools on this journey. I knew that I had to stop and sort things out.
Some of the emotions I was feeling were feelings of grief. Some of you may already know that I lost my father in November of 2020. He was not only my father, but a close friend of mine. He was an awesome person. We talked often and we lived under the same roof. The whole family and I were shocked and grief stricken at such a loss.
Over a year has passed and I just started to feel like I was getting it together. I hadn’t been crying quite as much. I could think of him and laugh a little; when I couldn’t at first…I was beginning to heal.
And then I lost it.
I felt heavy, sad, and confused. I tried to quickly move through the experience without truly feeling it. I was trying too hard to get back to “normal.” I wanted so badly for the pain to go away. I just wanted to be okay.
But the emotions that I felt were too strong to ignore. And I realized that the reason I was feeling these emotions so strongly was because I wasn’t letting go. In my efforts to heal, I tried to tuck away the pain, sadness, and grief that I was experiencing. But that wasn’t the solution.
I needed to let go.
But first, I had to sit in it. In order to move forward, I had to feel the pain, acknowledge the hurt, be okay with not being okay, and cry. Once I did those things; I could begin letting go. I let go of the tears and the regret. I let go of all anger and blame.
And then I reminded myself that healing and grief are not linear. There will be great days, and there will be more challenging ones. And when those challenging days come I will evaluate myself, feel my emotions, process them, and let go in a healthy way.
I’ve also learned the importance of letting go in relationships. For years I carried the weight, rejection, and pain from past relationships. I’ve always been one to love deeply and I used to take it personally when my relationships didn’t succeed. I’d take it as direct reflection of me. Why wasn’t I good enough? What could I have done differently? What makes her so much better than me? And a myriad of other self blaming, self depreciating thoughts.
And then I learned my worth. I learned the art of letting go and practicing detachment. I let go of the notion that I wasn’t good enough. I let go of my people pleasing and codependent behaviors and I set a new standard.
I refuse to let a person manipulate me into staying in a toxic relationship. I will not stay in an environment where I’m not happy and be emotionally abused just to prove my loyalty. I will not be gaslighted or guilted into sticking around. I no longer accept the narrative that I’m ‘giving up’. I trust my intuition and I love myself enough to let go of what no longer serves me.
And my sincerest hope is that you see how wonderful you are and do the same. Letting go is beautiful…
Today’s blog may contain some explicit language. So if that’s not your jam- no problem. I’ll see you next time. 🙂
For those of you still with me, I’d like to share an experience of mine that lead me to a very liberating conclusion.
The conclusion is: Expectations lead to Unhappiness.
For those of you that aren’t aware, I am a black woman who lives in an area that is not very culturally diverse. I mean, at all. My family and I constantly get stares when we are out in town. The stores have little to no products for our hair and skin types. A large percentage of the city’s residents are Caucasian people that seem completely unadjusted to the presence of other races…My place of work mimics that lack of diversity.
Well, directly after my traumatic discard experience from the narcissistic relationship I was in, (I discuss this more in my upcoming book entitled The Evolution) I met a seemingly nice coworker who was a Caucasian male. We worked beside each other for 12 hours and we talked. We had experienced similar relationship betrayals. We bonded and became friends. My sister and I sometimes rode with him to work. Things were going pretty well…
Another coworker joined the car pool. He was also a Caucasian male. One particular morning on our way to work a racially insensitive word was said by my friend-the driver. He said gal..
Moment of transparency: I did not hear the context of the conversation. He was having a conversation with his passenger in the front and I was having a different conversation with my sister in the back. To be completely honest I do not care what the context of the conversation was. I was immediately triggered by the word. I let out a small guttural noise as soon as I heard it.
When I looked his direction, he was already looking at me in his rear view mirror. “What’s wrong?” He asked. I informed him that I did not like that word. I explained to him that I felt triggered by that word and I told him why. He responded by casually saying that he ‘used that word all the time’. I had spent quite a bit of time with him and had never heard him use the word before, but if I may be frank- I don’t give a damn. He proceeded to use the word again while looking at me in his mirror. I found the word unacceptable, and I thought we were friends. Out of respect I believed that he should stop using a word that offended a good friend. Someone that he called sister.
Apparently, he did not agree. He went on to say that he would not stop using the word and then he called me “gal” directly to my face. I was very angry. Momentarily, I felt like I had devolved. I wanted to thoroughly beat his ass.
We stopped being friends after that. We didn’t even speak to each other.
For the sake of growth; I knew that I had to do some self evaluation. As I did, I learned where my error was. My error was that I had an expectation of my former friend. I expected him to change his choice of words because I found offense in them. But that is not my right. Whether I agree with them or not, I cannot choose his words for him.
A similar thing often happens in relationships. One person may expect certain things from their mate and become very displeased when things do not go as they envision.
*Note: Expectations are not to be confused with Standards or Boundaries.
These are my definitions-
Expectations are the imposition of a person’s thoughts, ideals or behaviors onto another person.
Standards are a person’s personal guidelines for relationships, treatment, and/or behaviors.
Boundaries are a person’s guidelines put in place to protect their own peace and personal comfort.
It is healthy to have standards and boundaries.
That being said, I realized that having expectations of others only leads to disappointment if things do not go the way that I’d like.
I should not have allowed another person’s perception to have a negative affect on me. He has a right to his reality just as I have a right to mine. I do not accept his reality. I am not a gal, girl, bitch, or any other term used in a negative context. I am a woman. A creator. I am a goddess made of strength, sensuality, intelligence, beauty, and stardust.
And no one can take that from me unless I give it to them.
And this lesson; this realization has been so immensely liberating for me because it has freed me from the weight of other people’s behaviors. I take everyone at face value, maintain my standards and boundaries. And I govern myself.
Today I felt inspired! So much so, that I’m posting my blog early this week.
Some of you may already know that I am currently writing two books. One of them is a book of poetry and the other is a book about my personal journey. While I was writing this morning, I had some thoughts that I wanted to share.
Excerpt from my upcoming book:
I never thought of myself as sexy.When men asked me to ‘do something sexy’ I always would cringe on the inside. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what was sexy. I couldn’t recognize myself as sexy, and I didn’t know how to emulate it because I’d never felt it before. I didn’t think I could be sexy. Isn’t that against the rules? I was brought up a certain way. Christian girls aren’t sexy. They are holy. They are good. I thought I had to be good; and by default that meant that I could not be sexy.
I was made to believe that kind or ‘righteous’ souls are not sexy or provocative because that is lustful behavior. And lustful behavior will send you right to the pits of hell…I tried to be what I thought was good…
I had put too much pressure on myself to be someone else’s depiction of perfect. I had become helpful to the point of my own detriment, and submissive to the point of utter foolishness. In time, I became depressed and resigned. I was his doormat.
As I reflect on how poor my morale and my self image was at that time in my life; I can’t help but be extremely grateful for the progress that I’ve made. This journey of mine is on-going. I work on loving myself and affirming positivity into my life daily. I am honest with myself and take ownership of all of me-even the parts of me that still need work. Especially those parts.
That’s the beauty of this journey for me: discovering that I can be kind and sexy, vulnerable and powerful, whimsical and wise. I can be exactly who I am.
I won’t be before you long- as I’ve heard many men of the cloth say but it was never true. 🤣
I just want to take a few moments to encourage some and remind others of this undisputable fact:
You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to do.
That is an actual fact. Think about that. Understand it. You can literally do anything you set your mind to.. as soon as you take the limits off of yourself. Anything.
Because when you set your mind that means that you are locked in. You are diligent, and you are focused on this thing. You apply time and energy to this thing daily.
And when you do that- the roadblocks crumble.
The obstacles move, and you formulate a way to do that thing in your mind.
And then you go do it. Then, you come back to step one. You focus on something else. Set your mind on it and repeat the process over again.
You can do anything.
So…what are you gonna do?
Feel free to comment and let me know what you plan to do!
I hope that this blog finds you in good spirits. I’ve been traveling all day, but I wanted to make it a point to discuss this topic before February ends… so here goes:
In February of 2003, I was diagnosed with Lupus, RA, (rheumatoid arthritis) and a couple of other things. As you could imagine; I was afraid. I didn’t know much about lupus, but what I did know wasn’t good. At all. A family friend had just passed away due to lupus complications. What’s more, I was in my third trimester of pregnancy! I was afraid for myself, my future, and my child.
I was in pain a lot. Undoubtedly, it put strain on my marriage. We were both young and not quite used to being adults. There were so many things to deal with at once.. I felt like a burden to my husband and I believe that I was going through postpartum depression as well. Some days, I could barely walk. My codependency increased as a result. I lived in fear for years and I counted myself out.
I realized that I had sentenced myself to a lifetime of pain, sadness, and mediocrity because of this diagnosis. I felt even more inadequate than I had already thought I was. Sometimes I settled for things when I knew I deserved better because I was just grateful that someone was willing to be with me with all the issues I had.
I found that I was inadvertently attaching myself to the illness. I often referred to it as ‘my lupus’. I would say things like, ‘Well, I can’t make plans because I never know when my lupus is gonna flare up.’ And ‘I can’t do that type of job because of my lupus.’
BUT…
There’s always a ‘but’…💖
But I’ve grown to understand that a diagnosis does not make me who I am. It does not define me! I am a person worthy of respect and love with or without that diagnosis. An illness does not make me less of a person. If anything, it makes me that much more unique and strong.
I began to understand that the way I thought and spoke had doomed me far more than any illness could. I had to stop giving that illness power over me!
*Disclaimer* I am not saying in any way, shape or form to disregard medical advice or diagnosis.
What I am saying is that people with illnesses could benefit largely by understanding their strengths and practicing a little detachment. I was making the situation worse by thinking the worst.
Occasionally, I feel some discomfort but it isn’t severe. I am so much more happy, healthy, and in control of my body and my life. So, if you’ve been diagnosed with an illness my advice to you is to decide right now that YOU are in charge. Do not attach yourself to it. Do not call it yours.
Love yourself, be gentle with yourself and remember that you are not your circumstances.
I was thinking about a meme that I saw on Instagram some time ago. It said something to the degree of ‘you could be the juiciest, sweetest strawberry in the world. There’s still gonna be some people that don’t like strawberries. And it hit me.
Again.
This is information that I already knew, but at the time I needed to be reminded. Sometimes self depreciating thoughts and ego creep in and try to cause me to revert back to my old ways.
I’m still relatively new to this stage in my life where I speak and think freely without fear of rejection or repercussions. The stage where the best isn’t yet to come; the best is here and now because I create it with my mind. I am here. In this beautiful stage where I dare to be my happiest and most authentic. I dare to be who I am- unabashed.
And this stage has become a permanent place.
I am grateful to have reached this place in my life where I finally realize that I can be myself. I live in a liberating state where I don’t feel the need to explain how and why strawberries are awesome. I find joy and solace in who I am. I love my uniqueness. And the dislike or disapproval of others does not change that.
I am a sweet, juicy strawberry. Not everyone likes strawberries.
And that’s okay.
To all my other strawberries out there; stay sweet!
I hope that this piece finds you well and in good spirits.
Today, I had no idea what I was going to blog about. I considered skipping it this week, but for the sake of consistency I didn’t want to do that. Should I just post a poem? I wondered to myself. And then I received a suggestion:
“Love. How does the thought of it make you feel?” Okay, let’s go with that.
Instinctively I responded, “Scared but excited.”
Then I paused and gave the question some real thought. And then I realized some important things that I’d like to share.
“Perfect love casts out all fear.” Unconditional love and fear cannot reside in the same space. A love without conditions is perfect. It is open and free flowing. It has no limits, caution, or stipulations.
This is the exact opposite of fear. Actions fueled by fear are often performed with apprehension or some sense of obligation. (Example: If I don’t do this, they may leave me for someone else, etc)
My initial response was a conditioned one. That response was the response of my former self. In the past I was a person that had low self esteem and codependency issues. My fear surrounding love came from a fear of rejection because I correlated my own worth to the love and acceptance from another person.
It isn’t even true. I don’t feel that way. The thought of love does not make me feel afraid. I am secure in myself and my emotions.
I love myself. This journey of self discovery and self love that I have been on has taught me some beautiful lessons. I’ve been getting to know myself and love myself for exactly who I am. I know the value of my love, time, and energy. I am not afraid to love another person because I am not relying on their love to replenish me.
I replenish myself. I love and care for myself adequately and then I give love to others. If they do not love me back the same way- it’s perfectly fine! This is not a negative reflection on me. I understand that no one owes me their love and I do not take this personally.
So…how does the thought of love make me feel?
I feel bold. I feel limitless. And I feel completely empowered.
Today, I just wanted to touch bases with you and remind you of the power of your words. As humans, we have been gifted with a power that no other creature on earth has: we are able to speak.
This is a gift and with our words we can build or tear down, bless someone or curse them.
We as people can sometimes be brazen when we speak to others. Sometimes we get angry and say the first thing that comes to our minds without any regard to the damage that we may cause.
I just finished reading an awesome book called The Four Agreements. If you haven’t read it; I recommend that you do.
The First Agreement of the four is Be Impeccable with Your Word. I define impeccable as ‘on point’, deliberate, careful, intentional. According to the book, impeccable quite literally means “without sin.” To be impeccable with your word means to speak carefully and be sure to not “sin” against yourself or others.
When we speak negative words or things with ill intent, we literally send out poison to ourselves and the people around us. These words can create strongholds or agreements that we are obligated to live by until the agreement is broken.
For Example: A single mother is tired after a long day of work. All she wants to do is take off her shoes and relax, but she just found out that her son got involved in a situation at school that requires her attention. She goes and picks up her son from school and they head home. During the ride, the frustrated mother tells her son that he’s a really bad kid and that he always causes problems.
The little boy accepted his mother’s words as factual. He has now made an agreement with himself that he is a really bad kid that always causes problems. Ten years later, the little boy is in high school. He often receives disciplinary action at school and is on the verge of being expelled. His mother doesn’t understand why her son behaves this way.
It was her words that presented a verbal contract and without knowing any better, the little boy accepted it. He has an agreement- an obligation to always cause problems just as his mother said all those years ago. This will continue unless the boy accepts a different agreement. It takes work, but agreements can be broken.
Wouldn’t it just be better if we mind our mouths from the beginning?
Well…we don’t have the beginning. It’s gone forever. But we do have now. We can be kinder now. We can be loving now. We can be intentional now.
Inner Glow Blog 