Category: Uncategorized

Not good at being 39

The days that lead up to my birthday (December 13) were filled with anticipation and planning. I would take on this new year of life with an unprecedented hunger. I’ve always had goals, but now I have a plan of action and a “can do” attitude. I was prepared to make this the best year yet. The first of many great years to come.

When the day came, however, it brought with it unpredictability and disaster. I was in Las Vegas at my hubby’s job when I got a call from my sister. Okay, nothing out of the ordinary there- my sister is one of my best friends.

But she was calling me to tell me that our mother was behaving strangely and that she may need to go to the emergency room. This sucked the joy out of my soul. You see, my mother had suffered from a stroke about six months ago and was in the hospital for an entire month. She got home and was doing really well. She was eating better and was much more active. But (oh how I hate buts) she soon returned to her previous habits and had regained the weight she lost during recovery. And now this.

My chest hurt. I couldn’t breathe. I could feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes, so I quickly gathered my things and exited the building. I just had to get to the car so that I could cry in peace.

Too late.

Tears stream down my face before I could open the door. I collapse into the front seat and weep. Everyone else is inside the building working, so at least no one saw me.

Not everyone was in the building.

I didn’t see him, but one of my husband’s coworkers/friends was taking his break in the car next to ours. He immediately contacted hubby over the radio, asking him to meet him outside. In moments, my husband was beside me asking what was wrong. I told him. A few minutes later, we were leaving the job site and our plans for the day to head home. Nothing else mattered. I had to get to my mama.

When we got the the house, mom had been cleaned up and dressed. For all intents and purposes; she was ready to go. But she wouldn’t cooperate and didn’t recognize us, so it was difficult. It took five of us to get her safely into the truck. We headed to the hospital.

Would you believe we had car trouble?! Of all the things to happen right now! Fortunately, we have more than one car and were only a few miles from home. We called our son to bring another car. We switched, loaded mom into the other vehicle and left.

When we got to the hospital, they almost immediately took her into a room. I was so grateful. I just didn’t want time to keep passing without her receiving help. It didn’t take long for medical professionals to agree that she had another stroke. She was admitted and is still recovering.

My family made an attempt to make up for the shambles that was my birthday, but it failed miserably. We are all concerned about mama, and things won’t be okay until she is. I told them that I appreciate the effort, but I would prefer to just move forward.

Please get better mama, I don’t wanna be 39 without you here.

Phase 1…again

It seems like I’ve spent most of my life in phase 1. Starting over, reinventing, learning, loving, gaining, losing…although, “phase 1 ” is in reference to me restarting the Atkins diet, I felt the bitter sting of irony when I realized that I may be at phase one in other aspects of my life as well.

This is my second marriage. I’m older now and more refined and I feel that he should be as well. Especially when you consider that there’s quite an age difference between us.

I don’t expect us not to disagree, but I do believe that at this juncture in our lives, we should both be past certain things. And we don’t seem to be. I’m growing tired of being the main person to compromise; to sacrifice, to take the high road.

At times, our blended family doesn’t blend so well and we all experience some discomfort.

But I draw the line at perpetual discomfort. I get fed up when my daughter is uncomfortable. She’s not perfect, but she’s polite, helpful, caring and goes out of her way to be kind to everyone. So if my daughter is uncomfortable; I am uncomfortable.

We as parents are supposed to lead by example. We should treat all members of the family with love and respect. I just feel like my daughter and I compromise and walk on eggshells much more than my bonus son and my husband do.

So, if this situation does not work itself out soon I will not only be in phase 1 of my diet, but I will be in phase 1 in life yet again.

That means twice divorced, getting a new place, a new bank account and a new job. But it’s okay.

I survived it once, I can survive it again if need be.

Depression. Is. Real.

I’m all about transparency. I feel that in sharing my vulnerabilities; I can perhaps help someone else. Whether it’s preventing them from going down the same path, helping them realize their strengths, or to let them know that they aren’t alone- I just want to help people.

That being said; I just want to go on record and say that Depression is real. It’s not someone being “sad” or just trying to get attention. It’s far more than that. It’s starts internally. Sometimes it builds up. Sometimes it quickly overtakes the person suffering. Either way it goes- depression is real and can be debilitating.

I am currently going through a bout with depression. For weeks, I internalized my feelings. I didn’t want to burden anyone…but as the days crashed into each other and various situations and demands attacked me from all directions; I finally had a meltdown. It wasn’t a stage four freak-out or anything huge, but the depression had made itself impossible to hide.

I went out to my truck to run an errand and one of the tires were flat.

I came unhinged.

I was thinking about making my niece late for work, about how I had to call the attendance office for my daughter, about how little I felt I had done with my life, about Lupus, about everything imaginable-

And I burst into tears. I mean, I wept. This took all of my family members by surprise and they were concerned. I got hugged from all directions. My father took the car keys and headed to the tire shop, and my niece called her job and informed them of our car troubles.

Things were okay…for the time being. But I have a huge issue to resolve somehow. I’m not sure how to go about this. I’ve read that it’s good to set goals and maintain a routine, so I’m working on that. I’m also pushing myself to exercise (endorphins) and do things that I’d ordinarily enjoy.

It’s a process and I’m taking things one day at a time.

If you are a person who suffers from depression, I urge you to talk to someone. Look for the beauty and positivity in each day and focus on that. Know that you are loved. Invaluable. Please hold on. You can beat this!

Be blessed. I’ll see you on the mountain top. ❤️

Blog Cry

As a highly successful lyricist said once, “I can’t see it coming down my eyes…” So I have to let this blog cry.

I am beyond frustrated! The problem with being a thinker is that I tend to over think and throw myself into a flurry of destructive emotions. I feel angry, sad, hurt, depressed; altogether worthless at times. And I don’t even think anyone is aware…

It’s not their fault- I’ve gotten pretty good at ‘faking it til I make it’ and masking my emotions. It’s unhealthy and I know it, but I just don’t want to burden anyone. I don’t want to be ‘Debbie Downer’.

Speaking of ‘burdens’, a huge part of my frustration comes from my unsuccessful job hunt thus far. I have an income but I’ve been looking for a job so that I could lighten my husband’s load and be more independent.

There are things that we as a couple want to do as well as goals that I have individually. I need a job so that I can finance my goals and help my husband save for the future. As it stands now, we are doing okay. But we both want more than that.

Initially, hubby was opposed to the idea of me working- although we met at work. He liked me staying at home. Cooking, cleaning; responding to his every beck and call…

But I hate it! There was a point where I briefly settled into it and almost liked it. But, as soon as a financial hardship came along, guilt cut me to my core. “How am I at home chilling while he struggles to take care of the family?!” I asked myself.

Also, I felt powerless; dependent. Like a child…that cooks well. I struggle with my purpose in life; which is only amplified by the belief that my spouse doesn’t value my time. He calls repeatedly and randomly- most times with nothing of importance to say.

So, I got tired.

I decided I would rejoin the work force.

But this journey has been difficult. I have literally applied to hundreds of jobs and have not been hired yet!

I have a chronic condition, so I actually need a more administrative position; but despite my degree in business administration, I am constantly overlooked. And then I get desperate and apply for a more manual job. Because I need to make money yesterday.

So many of my goals are riding on me getting an additional income, that I feel like I’m going to suffocate under the pressure of it all. When I think of going on an interview, I get anxious and want to back out of it. The scrutiny, the thought of rejection and then the reality of rejection crush me every time.

It hurts.

I want to cry. I mean really cry!

But that won’t get me where I want to go.

So, I have to keep going. Keep applying. Try not to internalize everything or take every rejection personally.

This is so hard to do.

So I had to let the blog cry.

Stop waiting to be great!

It’s really no secret that I have an intimate relationship with setbacks. They are, in fact, a natural part of life; however, I feel that I’ve had more than my fair share of them. In the most respectful way possible; I believe that upbringing has something to do with these setbacks. Setbacks…lack…disadvantages…I believe that some cultures have more of them than others.

Personally, I was raised to be a Christian. We went to church, we tithed, fasted, shut in, read the bible, prayed, and of course- we waited on the Lord. We prayed and waited on jobs, we waited to hear from God about business opportunities, we waited for blessings, we waited to use our gifts, we waited…and waited…and waited. And now, I’m almost 40 years old and I sadly have nothing to show for those years. No, those decades of waiting.

I am not thinner, more successful, wealthier, or even happier. But I am hungrier- and wiser. I’ve decided that I am not waiting anymore. I’m not waiting to hear that I should start a business, I’m not waiting to go back to school, I’m not waiting on another thing. I’m done waiting! Just done.

I have plans for the rest of my life. I plan to be a career woman, an outstanding mother, a business owner, a brave warrior, a published author, and a humble beast in the best health of my life. I am not waiting. I have waited long enough. From today forward, my best years are ahead of me. I am free of waiting, procrastinating, and self doubt.

It’s time.