Michael

I lost him a week ago today. He was my first love. He was giving, caring, funny, smart, loving and hard working.

He showed me what love really was. Not the cheesy, romantic comedy type love- but honest love. Love that’s real and true. Love that stands through anger and remains steadfast even when you don’t get your way. I thought that if I could get a man half as good as Michael; I’d be the most blessed woman on earth.

You see, Michael is my father. He and my mother were married for 40 years. They didn’t have a lot of material things, but they had each other. And they had us.

I wanted to become wealthy so that I could reward my parents for all of their hard work and sacrifice. I wanted to spoil them. But now, he’s gone and all of our hearts are broken.

So, my new goal is to make sure that everyone knows his name. Michael Antonio. My first love.

Health Scare

Recently, my husband and I got sick.

First, it was him. He had a bit of a temperature, body aches, chills. A day or two later; so did I.

Immediately he and I both became afraid. You know what we were thinking- coronavirus.

I think I can speak for both of us when I say that we feared for our lives, our family, our livelihood. I myself am high risk and it got me to thinking morbid thoughts as I read and re-read about the virus and it’s symptoms. I could see my hubby mentally going in the same direction.

And then I stopped myself. No, I wasn’t suddenly unafraid but I remembered all of the positive thinking that I had been practicing. And I thought about all the things that I still wanted to accomplish. Not as if I had completely forgotten; but my memory was refreshed on how precious life is.

I talked to my husband. I told him that we were going to be okay. And although we kept our distance from family members; we began to focus on the positive.

Personally, this health scare gave me a new lease on life. It has caused me to more boldly speak my truth.

And while I’m being honest; I stopped blogging as much due to the lack of reaction/understanding of the few people that read this blog. It just seemed to me that when I write about random things that are not so important; that’s when I get likes and follows. But when I spoke about police brutality, systemic racism, and the mistreatment of various groups…

Silence.

It was disappointing to say the least.

But it’s okay. You don’t have to agree with me. You don’t have to ‘like’ another word that I post. It’s still the truth.

It’s still my truth, and the truth of millions of others around the world.

So, if you don’t have a problem with fear gripping you when police get behind your vehicle- even when you’ve done nothing wrong, if you don’t feel the injustice and the irony of law enforcement killing people that look like you at alarming rates, if your ancestors weren’t raped and enslaved, and/or forced onto a small portion of the land that you owned, if you don’t feel for the people being separated from their families, mistreated and locked in cages like animals, or if you don’t have to fear for your job or your healthcare merely based on your sexual preference… good for you I guess.

I’m just a person with a heart. With compassion. And even though all of these things don’t apply directly to me, I have the presence of mind to know that the shit ain’t right! Plain and simple.

Like it or not, it’s my truth. My family’s truth. My shipmate’s truth. My community’s truth. This country’s truth and truth all over the world.

And I will still speak it. Until I can’t speak it anymore.

Thank you health scare. For reminding me.

P.S WE STILL MATTER.

Love and light- Mimi 💜

I wanna Run…

There are so many things I want to do. I want to thrive, I want to love freely, I want to help people, I want to be loved, I want to be financially independent, I want to write a happy blog…

But most of all; I want to run.

I want to run from everything and everyone. I want to run because it might hurt less than just watching as everything I worked so hard for falls apart.

I used to hear certain phrases so much that at times like these, they pop up in my head. Almost mockingly.

“Endure hardness as a good soldier.”

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”

What’s the common word here? Endure.

But how long do you endure?

What do you endure?

How much?

That’s why sometimes phrases and things like that can do more harm than good. It’s up to us- to me – to decide what to endure, when, and how long.

I don’t know what direction I’m going in right now, but I do know that I’ve grown weary of enduring.

I don’t want to endure! I don’t want to stay, I don’t want to fight, I don’t want to try, I especially don’t want to fail…

I just want to run.

Run until my problems are so small that I can’t see them.

Run until the pain is gone.

Run until the world is full of love.

Run until I find ‘the answer’.

Run until my heart heals.

Run until I’m me again.

…and I know that’s not an option. But that’s what I want.

I wanna run…

Be good to yourselves and each other.

Love and Light-Mimi 💜 🏃🏾‍♀️

We are PEOPLE!

It’s been over a month since my last blog, because my heart has been really heavy. I wasn’t going to weigh in on current protests or outcries on this forum because I plan on writing a book to address these issues. But, suffice it to say that my emotions are bubbling over to the point where I need to let it out before I release my book. So here goes:

Racial injustice: It’s been going on for centuries with what seems to be no end in sight.

The mistreatment of black people is not a new concept. My heart bleeds for my people. Black lives do matter- and if you respond “all lives matter” whether aloud or in your head when you hear or see this phrase; then yes, YOU are part of the problem!!

“Black Lives Matter” is not a movement to say or otherwise imply that the lives of other races don’t matter. It’s simply a way of saying, “We matter too. Please stop slaughtering us as if we don’t!!” In most cases, when a person responds “All lives matter.” It is a callous remark that doesn’t really mean what the words suggest. It’s just another way of saying, “yeah yeah. We hear ya. Now shut up about it!”

But silence will get us nowhere. Black people are being slain at an alarming rate. What’s more; we are being killed by “trusted” officials that are placed in the position to withhold the law. Black women, black men, and black children. Children!

And the murders largely go unpunished. And when you add this to slavery, the rapes of many female slaves, deliberately separating families and breeding humans like they’re animals, feeding our babies to alligators, indentured servitude, segregation, (traveling while black was actually a thing) prevention of loan approvals for homes (which only ended in the 1960’s) and whatever else…hell, it’s no wonder we as black people feel like we don’t matter!

Can you blame us?!

Here’s an illustration: Chickens are protesting being slaughtered for food. They are fed up! They’ve gathered together, putting aside their differences, to address the overwhelming amount of chickens being killed for human consumption. “Chickens lives matter! Chickens lives matter!” They chant outside of foster farms. But no one cares! They’re being ignored. To add insult to injury, even more chickens are slaughtered. Everyone is more focused on the fashion of the protest than the purpose of it. And now, there’s a group of pigeons near them protesting their protest! “All birds matter! All birds matter!” The pigeons counter defiantly. And while it’s true that they all matter; a pigeon is far less likely to be slaughtered for human consumption, now isn’t it??

But we are not chickens. Not animals at all. We are people! And we matter. Not just black people, but ALL people that are being treated unjustly!

Hispanic people in cages…they matter!!

Indigenous people disappearing without a trace…they matter!!

LGBTQ+ 🏳️‍🌈 people being denied medical rights…they matter!!

People of color, people with different beliefs, different hair, different skin. We are people and we ALL MATTER!

We matter.

Why can’t you see that we matter?!

Let your heart reflect the love that you yourself would want to be shown.

Love and Light- Mimi 💜💔

I miss you…

Hey!

There were so many things between us that went unsaid. We had misunderstandings, petty arguments and outside influences that started us off on the wrong foot. And then there was the age gap: you were seven years older than me and I know that seems like forever when you’re a teenager…

But we made it through the big stuff and we buried the hatchet. Dispelled some rumors and untruths. And we got to a good place.

And if I knew then what I know now; we would’ve gotten to that good place sooner. Whether you were willing or not, I would’ve made it happen. Because the time we had was not enough. And now I cant get it back…I guess everything happens for a reason, but it just seems so terribly unfair.

I am glad for the time we did have though. When I wasn’t deployed or didn’t have duty, I would ride out to San Bernardino for the weekend with my boy Eric. Your house was my favorite place to go. And it didn’t matter what we did- you were that cool. It was in those small, fleeting moments during stolen weekends that I got to know you. The real you. Not what I heard about you or what you showed people-but you. Strong, vulnerable, perfectly flawed …

You.

And I really love that you.

You were a good mother and a good girlfriend -although you deserved better. You’d give the shirt off your back to help people you love, and it pains me to think that you left this world not knowing how ridiculously dope you were.

It pains me.

Oh, it hurts me.

That’s not even the worst part. I know that as much as I hurt, there are five people who hurt all the more. And that why I’ve cried in secret for the last ten years. I felt like it was selfish to cry openly because I know your kids miss you more. Nae…Your kids are grown now, and some of them have had children of their own. I chuckle when I visualize you being the most fabulous “glamma” ever. And my daughter is seventeen now; isn’t that crazy?!

I just wanted you to know that I love you and I think about you often. Sometimes those thoughts of you make me laugh. Sometimes I cry.

But one thing is certain: you were one of a kind, and I’d rather cry a thousand times over than forget.

I could never forget you.

06/30/1973 – 03/02/2010

I miss you sis.

The good in my bad day.

Hi!

I have been going through some changes lately during this pandemic- as we all have I’m sure, but today, I want to put a positive spin on an otherwise bad situation.

It has been 17 years since I was diagnosed with Lupus and I’ve had quite a few ups and downs. Some days are great, while others…less so. Along with my lupus diagnosis came kidney disease and RA. There are days of excruciating pain and unreasonable fatigue, but because of my family and my resilience; I make it through.

About a week ago was one of those bad days. There was pain in my knees and ankles, and swelling in my feet. I was trying to pretend like I was okay. I had successfully finished cooking dinner, but I still had a few dishes left to wash. Almost there; I said to myself. I was attempting to psych myself into getting the kitchen done so that I could get off of my feet.

But pain gripped me in such a way that I couldn’t pretend anymore. It cut me off mid sentence and I lost my train of thought. My husband noticed the change in my demeanor and insisted that I stop right there and sit down. He walked me to our room. Each step was a nightmare! I dreaded the thought of picking up my legs to move…

I got to the room and sat for a little while, but I needed to shower. So, after hubby went to the backyard I got up to do just that. It took me about five minutes to get to our master bathroom 🤦🏾‍♀️ but I got there.

Hubby called to check on me and I told him of my plan to take a shower. He instructed me to put the phone on speaker and stayed on the phone with me. It. Was. Difficult! The pain was unreal and I tried not to cry but was unsuccessful. I could barely stand. I sat on the ledge inside of the shower and only stood when absolutely necessary.

I looked down at my phone (on the floor just outside of the shower) and realize the call had been ended. “Its okay. I can do this without bothering anyone.”

I was trying to coach myself into believing that. I didn’t have to because when I looked up again, hubby was there. He disrobed and joined me in the shower. He washed me, helped me out of the shower and then dried me and wrapped me with the towel.

I cried.

It was a combination of embarrassment, pain and gratitude that caused my tears. “Why are you crying?” He asked softly. “You don’t have to cry; I’m here. I’ll always be here.” He said.

I cried harder.

I literally couldn’t thank him enough. And I realized something: it’s great to be strong but it’s also okay to be vulnerable at times. Being an adult doesn’t mean you’ll never need help. I had been so caught up in being independent- especially since my diagnosis, that I could be a bit stubborn and unreasonable. I guess I felt like I had something to prove. Not always being able to do simple tasks that used to be effortless at one time; really messes with a person’s psyche.

But I am evolving and growing past that insecurity.

He let me know that he was there for me to lean on, and when I need to- I will.

I reflect on that day and quite frankly, I’m just so glad that I have someone to be there for me during those times. He was the good part of my bad day and I am so grateful.

Remember to keep smiling folks. And be kind to one another.

Love and Light- Mimi 💜

The giving tree

Do you remember that story by Shel Silverstein? In case you don’t, it’s a story about a tree that deeply loved a little boy; even to its own detriment. As a child, it was one of the stories that impacted me most. I wasn’t sure at the time why that story meant so much- I was so angry at the selfish little boy. I used to wish that the boy would return the tree’s love; or that the tree would realize that the boy didn’t love him and say ‘no’ for once. I wished that the tree would love itself more.

But now, I realize that I grew up to be a human version of that tree.

I didn’t love myself very much. But now, I do. I love myself.

I remember a point in time when I couldn’t honestly say that. I didn’t really see anything worth loving; so I needed someone’s love to validate me. I’ve always been enamored with love. It seemed so out of reach for me. Other people had love, but not me. I longed for it. I chased it. I immersed myself in it.

And I thought something was wrong with me because the people I loved didn’t love me back. I found myself in this cycle- this self destructive cycle- where I’d pour my love into someone until I exhausted myself. The person would take my love gladly, but I received little to nothing in return. When I had nothing else to give; the person became bored and left. I became bitter and depressed…until the next opportunity to prove how worthy of love I was came along…

Each “opportunity” left me more broken than the last.

Until I unplugged. I unplugged from expectations and took some time to myself. I took a good look at myself. Not my outer appearance; but my qualities. My personality. My morals. All the things that make me –Me. And I began to celebrate them. It took some time but yes; I celebrated myself!

And now I can emphatically say that no matter what my relationship status is: I’m okay. Because I do not need another person’s love to complete me. I am whole with or without a partner.

I still love freely and completely, but I’m no “giving tree”. Because I’ve learned that true love doesn’t leave you empty and I love myself enough to walk away from toxicity.

Thanks for reading.

Love and Light- Mimi 💜

Taboo (Religion)

There are certain things that I purposely avoid talking about. I’ve never really been the type of person that likes to upset people.

As I grew older and wiser, I realized that that had to change. I still don’t like upsetting people, but I know that there are some things that need to be said- whether someone gets hurt or not. Because in the end, if you don’t speak your truth and live your truth, it is YOU that ends up hurting.

That being said, I am going to address a topic that many people may consider taboo: religion. I feel that this is necessary because I recently published a book about a Christian family.

This book, entitled Small Family Battles; was written over 6 years ago when I was a devout Christian. It addresses common issues and situations that occur in everyday life in what I call “church culture.”

Now, I say ‘was a devout Christian’ because my views on religion and church culture have changed. My life experiences have caused me to have a less ‘black and white’ view than I had at one point.

But I was never the stereotypical Christian…I didn’t judge others and I didn’t gossip. I myself was judged and treated like an outcast- no way I’d put anyone else through that! I tried to live by the Bible and be “the ideal Christian “…whatever that is.

After a while I had to break free. Try as I might, I couldn’t meet the standards of church leadership. Yes, I made mistakes and I sinned, but I was met with the same blatant disdain no matter how good or bad I was doing. Certain other members and I were left out, looked down on, and scrutinized. I had questions about the Bible that I was afraid to ask for fear of more scrutiny. I was becoming depressed and bitter. I didn’t feel like I was becoming a better person…and that’s the point of it all, isn’t it?

Yes! Of course that’s the point of it all. If you are practicing a religion and are not improving as a person: I urge you to evaluate yourself, your life, and your religion.

And please; don’t take this the wrong way. I have absolutely nothing against Christians or any other religious groups! I just believe that people should do what makes them better, happy; whole.

And if religion makes you better- then by all means continue on. But no matter what your religious beliefs are, I do believe that everyone can relate to one of the characters in Small Family Battles. The story is filled with real life situations. It’s entertaining- no matter what your beliefs are.

Until next time; remember to live out loud, love honestly and truly, and always speak your truth.

Love and Light – Mimi 💜

Keep Smiling

It may seem hard to do right now, with everything that’s going on in the world- but keep smiling.

My heart goes out to all that have been diagnosed with the Coronavirus; and I grieve with those that have lost loved ones… While I don’t know anyone personally who has gone through this; to me, that’s irrelevant. My sense of humanity, my heart hurts when I think of all the lives lost. This is serious!

Because of the seriousness of this situation; I leave my property as little as possible. My husband, out of concern, has heavily suggested that I stay inside as much as possible.

You see, I’m one of those people with a ‘weakened immune system.’ I was diagnosed with Lupus in 2003. And the news of this virus; to be honest, shook me to my core. I literally cried- thinking that I would contract the virus and die. But I couldn’t live that way. I had to shake the fear off!

I decided to choose happiness and productivity over fear and boredom. I am now taking this time to continue working on my personal development. Months before this virus impacted the US, I invested in my education. So, as I sit in wait; I am making myself a more marketable asset. I’m taking typing, learning languages, brushing up on my Microsoft office skills, etc.

That being said, the best thing to do in times like these is to focus on the positive. As long as you’re alive; you are blessed! And there are things you can do while you wait at home for the virus to be subdued. You can find a hobby, write a book, take online classes, make and sell arts and crafts, increase your online presence and communicate that way, rekindle damaged relationships, read…

Believe me when I say; “I am practicing what I preach!” I am telling you to keep smiling because that’s what I told myself. And it’s working. I am working on me. Dieting, exercising, learning, definitely cleaning and disinfecting, sheltering in place, and searching intently for the silver lining each day.

We- as a nation- will be okay. Things may look a little grim at times but this world will be alright.

Gratitude

I’ve been on a journey for the last two months. I’m all about self improvement and being positive, but I had been having a hard time remaining in a positive state…until now. (This is my disclaimer: this journey is not for the faint of heart. ) It isn’t a magic remedy. It does take some work. But I kid you not when I say that this has been the best two months of my life! ‘What is this journey?‘ You ask?? Well, it’s two things that go hand in hand: Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Law of Attraction (LOA) .

To be honest, I heard about the law of attraction several years ago. I’m only exercising it now because; well, quite frankly, I was too skeptical and close-minded to try it. But on my niece’s birthday (also New Year’s Eve) I received a visit that basically changed my life. My cousin, whom I will lovingly refer to as Miss Blue, came over and she was absolutely radiant! Don’t get me wrong; she’s a beautiful person, but there was something different about her. She exuded such a positive energy that I thought to myself; I want what she has! And she, being the person that she is; let me in on her secret. She herself had been on this journey for over a month. She told me that she had been practicing LOA and that it was really quite simple.

I listened intently as she told me how simple it was and that there were YouTube videos all about it. So it doesn’t cost you a dime to try! 🙂

And for the most part, it is simple. When I issued my disclaimer; I simply wanted to make my readers aware that this may not happen for you overnight. There are a few things that you should know.

You must be willing to honestly evaluate yourself.
You have to recondition and reprogram years worth of beliefs.
You have to be consistent!
Life still happens, but you’ll be more prepared for it.
You must have gratitude!!

If you are willing to do and accept those things, then you are already well on your way to greatness.

The first week was touch and go for me. I found myself complaining about random things and then remembering that I wanted something different for my life and going back to gratitude. Gratitude is essential in both NLP and LOA.

After the first week, I began to immerse myself in as much positivity as I could find. I watched YouTube videos – my favorite is “Learn How to Control Your Mind (Use this to Brainwash Yourself)”. It has some really great information in it! I’ve also added motivational content onto my iphone by Fearless Soul. This helps me get my mornings started. I also took a LOA/NLP course on groupon by Sharon Bolt. She had some great insight, and an inspiring story about how the Law of Attraction changed her life.

**Just in case you don’t know, NLP is basically reprogramming your way of thinking and the way you communicate with your brain. LOA is the belief that you attract the things that you think about. So, if you think about having a bad day at work, you will have a bad day at work. However, if you go in to work believing that your day will be great; then your day will be great. That’s the Law of Attraction. I learned while watching my aforementioned favorite LOA/NLP video that our brains are currently programmed to respond and react to memories. This essentially means that we spend each day living in the past. We don’t do certain things because we have a memory of something similar. We accept that we are going to have a bad day at work because we had a bad day yesterday. NLP teaches you to tell your brain something different. Don’t expect a bad day because you’ve had bad days in the past. Each day is new and you can decide what type of day you’ll have! Happiness is a choice.

The cornerstone of this lifestyle is gratitude. Take some time to look around you. There are so many things to be grateful for! My eyes are open to the beauty of this world and how blessed I really am. This is not to say that I will not strive for more- because I definitely will- but I’ve learned that success cannot be acquired without gratitude.

I’m still at the beginning stages of my journey, but it’s authentic. I feel the change on the inside and that’s exactly what I needed. I am evolving from the inside out and I can’t wait to see where this journey takes me! Happiness is a choice; and I choose happy. So remember, stay grateful and be great.

Bye for now, beautiful people.