Your Boundaries Are Not a Betrayal

Hey Boo!

There comes a point in reclamation when finding your voice is no longer enough. You have to use it. You have to say no when you mean no. You have to stop explaining yourself into exhaustion. You have to recognize when something doesn’t feel right and trust yourself enough to respond accordingly. You have to decide that access to you is no longer automatic.

And for many of us, this is where healing gets uncomfortable. Because reclaiming your boundaries can feel a lot like disappointing people who benefited from you not having any.

When Boundaries Feel “Mean”

If you’ve spent years being the understanding one, the accommodating one, the dependable one, the peacemaker, or the person who always gives one more chance, boundaries can feel unnatural at first. You might feel guilty for saying no. You might worry that you’re being selfish. You may overexplain your decisions because simply saying, “That doesn’t work for me,” somehow doesn’t feel like enough of an explanation.

You may even find yourself managing someone else’s feelings about a boundary that was created to protect you. But as I said before, guilt doesn’t always mean you’re doing something wrong. Sometimes guilt is simply what happens when you begin doing something differently.

Especially when the old version of you was taught that being loved required unlimited access to your time, energy, emotions, or attention.

Boundaries Are Where You Meet Yourself

A boundary isn’t just something you establish with other people. It’s a promise you make to yourself.

It says:

I will listen when I’m uncomfortable.

I will stop ignoring my needs to make someone else happy.

I will pay attention when my body tells me something is wrong.

I will not continuously sacrifice my peace for connection.

I will honor my limits.

And perhaps most importantly, I will stop abandoning myself to avoid being abandoned by someone else.

That’s reclamation.

You Don’t Need Permission

One of the hardest lessons to learn is that other people do not have to understand your boundary for it to be valid. They don’t have to agree. They don’t have to like it. They don’t even have to believe that your reason is “good enough.” Your boundaries aren’t negotiations about whether or not you’re allowed to protect your well-being.

You are. Period.

And sometimes the people who react most strongly to your boundaries are the people who were most comfortable with you having none. They’ll be alright. Let them adjust. Their discomfort doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve done something wrong.

Boundaries Don’t Have to Be Harsh

This was a big concern of mine. I didn’t want to be mean or become someone I wasn’t to establish boundaries. But reclaiming your boundaries doesn’t require you to become cold, guarded, or disconnected.

You can be compassionate and still have limits. You can love someone and say no. You can understand someone’s circumstances without accepting behavior that hurts you. You can forgive someone without restoring their previous level of access to you. You can wish someone well from a distance. And you can be soft and still be unavailable for disrespect.

Boundaries aren’t walls designed to keep everyone out. Healthy boundaries are doors.

You decide who enters, how long they stay, and what is required for continued access.

Start With the Small Things

Establishing boundaries doesn’t require a swift and drastic shift. In fact, after years of people pleasing, I found it easier to establish and maintain boundaries by building slowly and steadily. Not every boundary needs a dramatic announcement.

Sometimes reclamation sounds like:

“No, I can’t do that today.”

“I need some time to think about it.”

“I’ m not comfortable with that.”

“I don’t want to discuss this.”

“I need some space.”

Or simply-

“No.”

Full stop. No essay. No list of evidence proving why your feelings deserve consideration.

Just a decision that honors you.

The more you practice honoring the small boundaries, the easier it becomes to recognize when the bigger ones are necessary.

Some People May Prefer You Old You

This part can hurt.

When you begin healing and changing, there may be people who miss the version of you who overextended, overexplained, tolerated, rescued, or remained silent.

They may tell you that you’ve changed. And maybe you have.

But maybe that’s the point.

Reclamation isn’t about returning to the person you were before life hurt you. It’s about uncovering who you are now- with wisdom to recognize what you deserve, what you need, and what you will no longer accept.

You are allowed to become someone who protects their peace. You are allowed to become someone who doesn’t answer every call. Who doesn’t accept every invitation. Who doesn’t carry every problem. Who doesn’t repeatedly offer access where respect is absent. You are allowed to choose yourself.

Your Boundary is Not a Betrayal

Not every boundary will cost you a relationship. Some might.

But if a relationship can only survive when you have no limits, silence your needs, or continuously betray yourself to maintain it, then the boundary didn’t destroy the relationship. It revealed the truth about it.

Remember that goal isn’t to keep everyone. The goal is to stop losing yourself.

So as you continue reclaiming the pieces of yourself you once surrendered for survival, remember this-

Your needs matter. Your limits matter. Your peace matters. Your ‘NO’ matters.

And you don’t have to shrink, explain, apologize, or abandon yourself to prove that you are worth loving or respecting.

Your boundaries are not a betrayal of anyone else.

They are an act of loyalty to yourself.

And maybe this chapter of your reclamation isn’t about learning how to hold on. Maybe it’s about finally learning what you are no longer willing to lose:

You.

Reclamation Reminder

I can love deeply without abandoning myself. I can be compassionate without sacrificing my peace. My boundaries honor the life, energy, and person I am reclaiming.

Heal, Grow. Glow.

Til next time.

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The Most Powerful Word- No!

Hey Boo!

You ever get tired of saying ‘yes’? Society has set the tone that the default answer to nearly every question is “Yes.” Advertising is all geared towards getting us to say “Yes – I need that.” We phrase our inquiries looking for yes: “Would you like more coffee?” “Would you be interested in joining me for dinner?” “Would you help me move next week?” “Would you mind if I asked you a personal question?” “Do you love me?”

With such a powerful default answer ingrained in us it can be very difficult to say anything else – often leaving us feeling trapped, guilty, or frustrated as a result.

With such an expected and requested default answer “No” becomes one of the most powerful words we can use – if we can manage it! With all the pressure though, overcoming this momentum for “Yes” can be incredibly difficult sometimes.

While it is still very important to make sure we are clear about what we want to say yes to, it is equally important if not more so, to be clear when to say no. Specifically the issue here is to be clear about what is important to you. Yes and no are equally viable and relevant answers in the appropriate circumstances – but may yield dramatically different results.

Saying yes when we really mean no can lead to resentment, frustration, confusion, and dissatisfaction. Understanding and applying the right answer at the right time is super important – but how do we figure it out?

The most important step in figuring out which answer is right is to start off by understanding what is important to you. This can be done with a simple reflection process. Take a moment to slow down and sink into your body. Allow yourself to notice sensations in your body without seeking to change them. Relax and connect with your inner voice of knowledge.

Now ask yourself a few simple questions about issues in your life. Notice how your body reacts. Is it energized? Does your body feel drained or depleted? One of those reactions will occur with Yes and the other with No in response to the question. Typically, the response that energizes us the most is the answer that is most relevant and thus most important to us. All you need to do is notice the response and thus the answer.

So now that we have our Yes/No list of life – how do we apply it? That seems easier said than done sometimes. The reality is it all boils down to the simple issue of honesty. Are you ready, willing and able to be honest first with yourself and then with others? This can be the hardest step as well as the most liberating.

Try out the “no” answer on something small at first. Maybe something as simple as “Would you like more coffee?” or a similar question.

Notice the contentment and satisfaction you feel in giving the honest answer or even just using the word! See where we can begin to apply that answer in ways that feel comfortable and empowering. Notice how your body reacts and feels more alive. Experiment with new questions and new opportunities.

Once you get comfortable with this easier answer comes the hard part – how do you say no to something we already said yes to? While perhaps a bit more uncomfortable it is still the same technique of honesty. When speaking with honesty it is also important to speak with patience, compassion and understanding. Remember that what we are essentially doing is changing the message we have previously communicated. Do not allow guilt or shame to color the communication though. Speak clearly about your decision and the realization to change the answer.

With openness and honesty, we can all speak clearly from our hearts about what is truly yes and truly no. Over time it gets easier, and we have to correct ourselves less and less.

If you find that saying no is especially difficult for you due to a history of people pleasing, then you should attend the From Grieving to Glowing Workshop on 2/24/2024 where we will be discussing anxiety, depression, people pleasing and other effects of narcissistic abuse along with tips on how to combat those effects.

Until Next Time Beautiful Souls, could you do two things for me?