Sexy

Hello beautiful souls 💖

Today I felt inspired! So much so, that I’m posting my blog early this week.

Some of you may already know that I am currently writing two books. One of them is a book of poetry and the other is a book about my personal journey. While I was writing this morning, I had some thoughts that I wanted to share.

Excerpt from my upcoming book:

I never thought of myself as sexy. When men asked me to ‘do something sexy’ I always would cringe on the inside. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what was sexy. I couldn’t recognize myself as sexy, and I didn’t know how to emulate it because I’d never felt it before. I didn’t think I could be sexy. Isn’t that against the rules? I was brought up a certain way. Christian girls aren’t sexy. They are holy. They are good. I thought I had to be good; and by default that meant that I could not be sexy.

I was made to believe that kind or ‘righteous’ souls are not sexy or provocative because that is lustful behavior. And lustful behavior will send you right to the pits of hell…I tried to be what I thought was good…

I had put too much pressure on myself to be someone else’s depiction of perfect. I had become helpful to the point of my own detriment, and submissive to the point of utter foolishness. In time, I became depressed and resigned. I was his doormat.

As I reflect on how poor my morale and my self image was at that time in my life; I can’t help but be extremely grateful for the progress that I’ve made. This journey of mine is on-going. I work on loving myself and affirming positivity into my life daily. I am honest with myself and take ownership of all of me-even the parts of me that still need work. Especially those parts.

That’s the beauty of this journey for me: discovering that I can be kind and sexy, vulnerable and powerful, whimsical and wise. I can be exactly who I am.

And I love it here.

Until next time, beautiful souls 💖

Not My Lupus!

Hello beautiful souls 💖

I hope that this blog finds you in good spirits. I’ve been traveling all day, but I wanted to make it a point to discuss this topic before February ends… so here goes:

In February of 2003, I was diagnosed with Lupus, RA, (rheumatoid arthritis) and a couple of other things. As you could imagine; I was afraid. I didn’t know much about lupus, but what I did know wasn’t good. At all. A family friend had just passed away due to lupus complications. What’s more, I was in my third trimester of pregnancy! I was afraid for myself, my future, and my child.

I was in pain a lot. Undoubtedly, it put strain on my marriage. We were both young and not quite used to being adults. There were so many things to deal with at once.. I felt like a burden to my husband and I believe that I was going through postpartum depression as well. Some days, I could barely walk. My codependency increased as a result. I lived in fear for years and I counted myself out.

I realized that I had sentenced myself to a lifetime of pain, sadness, and mediocrity because of this diagnosis. I felt even more inadequate than I had already thought I was. Sometimes I settled for things when I knew I deserved better because I was just grateful that someone was willing to be with me with all the issues I had.

I found that I was inadvertently attaching myself to the illness. I often referred to it as ‘my lupus’. I would say things like, ‘Well, I can’t make plans because I never know when my lupus is gonna flare up.’ And ‘I can’t do that type of job because of my lupus.’

BUT…

There’s always a ‘but’…💖

But I’ve grown to understand that a diagnosis does not make me who I am. It does not define me! I am a person worthy of respect and love with or without that diagnosis. An illness does not make me less of a person. If anything, it makes me that much more unique and strong.

I began to understand that the way I thought and spoke had doomed me far more than any illness could. I had to stop giving that illness power over me!

*Disclaimer* I am not saying in any way, shape or form to disregard medical advice or diagnosis.

What I am saying is that people with illnesses could benefit largely by understanding their strengths and practicing a little detachment. I was making the situation worse by thinking the worst.

Occasionally, I feel some discomfort but it isn’t severe. I am so much more happy, healthy, and in control of my body and my life. So, if you’ve been diagnosed with an illness my advice to you is to decide right now that YOU are in charge. Do not attach yourself to it. Do not call it yours.

Love yourself, be gentle with yourself and remember that you are not your circumstances.

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

Follow Up/Reach Out

Hello beautiful souls 💖

Today, I wanted to do a follow up blog based on last week’s post. Last week’s post was a poem that I had written; entitled Can’t Find Happy.

While I was typing those words that I had written a few years back, I could recall the depth of sadness and misery that I was feeling when I originally wrote it. During that time, I was fighting with everything I had to salvage my marriage and make my family happy.

The man that I loved was unhappy. And although I was also unhappy, I put myself on the back burner and focused on him. No matter how hard I focused on his happiness, he seemed to always find something to be unhappy about. In turn, I became even more unhappy. This deep sadness had become depression.

I was an unaware, ill-equipped empath who was codependent and had trauma bonded with a narcissist. My environment was toxic. My self esteem was at an all time low due to being constantly manipulated and gaslighted, and I didn’t believe that I could leave and do well on my own. I felt trapped. I felt broken. And I felt oh so lost.

Can’t Find Happy was written in efforts to release my depression and despair through writing. Depression is very real and should be taken very seriously. It is a legitimate illness that has chemical effects on the brain and the body.

It isn’t always easy to spot, (some people who battle depression are very good at hiding their inner turmoil) but if you notice a change in behavior in a friend or loved one Please Follow Up with them! If they seem uncharacteristically moody, withdrawn, easily flustered, distracted, or lethargic, these may be indications that something is wrong. Follow Up with them. Show them that you care! Compassion is free.

And if you, beautiful soul; feel any of the previously mentioned symptoms. If you feel like you’re carrying a burden that is too heavy for you- Please reach out!

**There are people that care!

I care.

And things may seem heavy and hopeless now, but you can make it out of that situation. I was in a situation that I thought was hopeless and I made it through.

I was depressed, but I made it.

I was manipulated, but I made it.

I was broken, but I made it.

I was gaslighted, but I made it.

I was doubted, but I made it.

I was afraid, but I made it.

I made it.

I made it!!

And so can you.

And so will you.

And so ARE you.

A post from the narcissistic abuse support group I’m in…

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

Balance

Hi beautiful souls!

As I discover myself anew of this spiritual journey; I realize more and more how important balance is. I just wanted to share a few thoughts on the importance of balance.

Life is about balance. You can’t be completely selfish just as you can’t be completely selfless. If you’re selfish; then you’re constantly taking. Often to the detriment of others. Taking and storing. Taking and storing. And eventually, you fill your vessel to its capacity.

And then what happens?

You become stagnant. There’s a stench. It starts to smell because some of what you continue to hold on to has become useless to you. It’s wasting away.

It now belongs to someone else but you won’t release it. “What about me? What about me? What about me?” Until you’re completely full. You can’t take on any new information or learn any new gifts because you haven’t cultivated anything but yourself. There’s no flow.

On the other hand, if you’re completely selfless, you give and give and give. But then, what becomes of you? You are now ill nourished, miserable, weak, nonfunctional, dried up and probably even bitter because you gave of your entire self without being refilled. You feel used. You have nothing else to give now. There’s no flow. We all need flow. We need that constant movement and exchange of energy to be our best selves. We need balance.

This I know from experience because I was a giver. I would give to spouses, lovers, and boyfriends thinking that they would see how wonderful I was and give back. When they didn’t give back, or didn’t give back equally- it hurt me to my core. Until I met someone else. I was in a self destructive cycle.

I gave and gave until one day I looked around and saw what little there was left of myself. This journey helped me see what I was doing to myself and what I was allowing…

But now I break free!

I share my vulnerability in the hope that it will reach and help someone before they experience this pain. Or perhaps you’re in a similar situation, and this piece may be used to enlighten you and remind you of how wonderful you are- with or without the validation of another person.

Either way; I hope this helps someone.

Until next time beautiful souls… 💜✨ Mimi

Create Your Joy

Today is a great day!

I firmly believe that for myself as well as you. I was doing my morning meditation, and decided to check out this app I just heard about called Shine. In honor of national women’s day, it was featured in the App Store. So I said, why not?

The meditation for me today; referred to as my “Daily Shine”; was titled “Create Your Joy”. This really resonates with me because I’m into positive thinking, gratitude, and creating my reality. So, after I listened to Fearless Soul (I swear by them too!) I dove into my daily shine and…

This daily shine was really helpful! It put into perspective even more how easy it is to create your own bliss. I realized that there were small and/or simple things that bring me joy and by doing those things; I can make a better mood for myself thus, building better thoughts. And as they say- thoughts become things.

Thoughts Become Things. These three words, like Create Your Joy; are simple yet profound. They unlocked a new way of thinking for me. It made me realize that although unpleasant things may happen in life, that doesn’t make my entire life unpleasant. Yes, pain is painful. But with some positive thinking, that pain can teach a lesson, and maybe even create joy later.

For example: losing my father is the most insanely painful thing that I have experienced in my life so far. But that loss opened my eyes to a lot of things. After I grieved my loss and climbed my way out of depression (it’s a daily process) I began to focus on things that make me feel good. I really dug my heels into the Law of Attraction, meditation, affirmations, and gratitude.

These thought patterns reverberated into my daily life, my relationships, and my outlook on life. I am beginning to focus on my energy and my purpose. I have become a ‘curious seeker of what makes me light up’ (Fearless Soul)

And it feels great!

So, I challenge you to create your own joy. Take some time to think about things that bring you joy. And when circumstances start to go in a direction that doesn’t serve you- stop and reflect for a moment.

Ask yourself: what can I learn from this?

Think about a small thing that brings you joy…and then go do it! If you can’t do it right that second, take a deep breath and visualize yourself doing it.

We are Creators. So…

Create Your Joy!

Be blessed 💜

Grief..

It’s been a while.

I couldn’t bring myself to blog consistently – try as I might- due to recent circumstances in my life.

On November 17, 2020 I lost my father. And that has been difficult for me and my family. I briefly touched on it in a blog post, but I didn’t mention my inner turmoil.

Losing my father sent shock waves through my entire household. We have always been a family oriented group of people, but moving out to Arizona together made us that much closer. We were family, friends; we were our own little community. Each member was important, and each person played a role.

His passing was like an explosion followed by an earthquake. The people near him got hurt first in the explosion, and then during the earthquake which; in my opinion, was a 9.5 on the Richter scale. And then, we had to spread that hurt.

…and now, it’s been three months and one day and I still mourn his loss. But I guess that’s what grief is- it’s an earthquake. You suffer the initial damage, and then randomly, there are aftershocks.

I’ve learned that grieving is not linear. It’s a cycle. No one can tell you when or how to grieve. No one can tell you how long to grieve either. You may have some good days- do not feel guilty about them! And unfortunately, some days may feel like you’re back at day 1.

All I can say is this:

1. Take your time and actually process the loss. If you bury it; it will only hurt more later.

2. Cry as much as you need to. (Yes, it’s okay.)

3. Don’t let the loss consume you! (This is a tough one, but it’s very important.) When we lose someone close to us, it can affect us in many ways- some people get angry, feel lost and/or hopeless, some get depressed. Or maybe a combination of those emotions and others. It’s important to identify your emotions and deal with them accordingly.

*I personally felt a mixture of these emotions, and because of COVID-19, grief counseling is not available. But, I am coping with my grief through meditation, and therapeutic activity that I enjoy such as writing and drawing.

4. Take care of yourself! Be kind to yourself and others. Remember that you are still here because you have work to do. Get reacquainted with yourself and discover/rediscover your purpose.

5. Remember your loved one “out loud.” I plan to keep my father’s memory alive by remembering the moments we shared, the things he taught me, and the man that he was.

In fact…

My father was an awesome man. He was funny, kind, loving, smart, supportive…he was one of my closest friends. My father was the kind of man who would go to work with broken ankles and hide his crutches from his employer so that he could continue to provide for us. He was a hard worker; a man of integrity, and a great listener with wisdom, creativity, and charisma.

I love you and I will always remember you out loud.

Depression. Is. Real.

I’m all about transparency. I feel that in sharing my vulnerabilities; I can perhaps help someone else. Whether it’s preventing them from going down the same path, helping them realize their strengths, or to let them know that they aren’t alone- I just want to help people.

That being said; I just want to go on record and say that Depression is real. It’s not someone being “sad” or just trying to get attention. It’s far more than that. It’s starts internally. Sometimes it builds up. Sometimes it quickly overtakes the person suffering. Either way it goes- depression is real and can be debilitating.

I am currently going through a bout with depression. For weeks, I internalized my feelings. I didn’t want to burden anyone…but as the days crashed into each other and various situations and demands attacked me from all directions; I finally had a meltdown. It wasn’t a stage four freak-out or anything huge, but the depression had made itself impossible to hide.

I went out to my truck to run an errand and one of the tires were flat.

I came unhinged.

I was thinking about making my niece late for work, about how I had to call the attendance office for my daughter, about how little I felt I had done with my life, about Lupus, about everything imaginable-

And I burst into tears. I mean, I wept. This took all of my family members by surprise and they were concerned. I got hugged from all directions. My father took the car keys and headed to the tire shop, and my niece called her job and informed them of our car troubles.

Things were okay…for the time being. But I have a huge issue to resolve somehow. I’m not sure how to go about this. I’ve read that it’s good to set goals and maintain a routine, so I’m working on that. I’m also pushing myself to exercise (endorphins) and do things that I’d ordinarily enjoy.

It’s a process and I’m taking things one day at a time.

If you are a person who suffers from depression, I urge you to talk to someone. Look for the beauty and positivity in each day and focus on that. Know that you are loved. Invaluable. Please hold on. You can beat this!

Be blessed. I’ll see you on the mountain top. ❤️