Tag: emotional healing

When Love and Pain Share The Same Face:

Grieving a Parent Who Both Loved and Hurt You

Hey Boo,

When we talk about grief, people often assume it is straightforward.

Someone we love passes away, and we miss them. But what happens when the person we lost was also the person who wounded us? What happens when the memories are both beautiful and painful?

What happens when the person we are grieving is a parent?

For many people, losing a parent brings not only crushing sadness but also confusion, anger, relief, guilt, compassion, regret, and longing. These emotions can coexist even when they feel contradictory.

And yet, society rarely talks about this kind of grief. We are often expected to remember only the good, focus on gratitude, and avoid discussing the more complicated parts of the relationship. But healing requires honesty.

The Parent You Loved and the Parent Who Hurt You

One of the most difficult truths to hold is that a person can love you and still hurt you. Many of us were raised to believe that love automatically means safety, understanding, and emotional support. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the reality. Some parents loved their children deeply but lacked the emotional tools, self-awareness, or healing necessary to nurture them in healthy ways.

Some parents carried their own wounds. Some repeated patterns they learned from previous generations. And some caused pain they never fully acknowledged.

Recognizing these truths does not erase the love that existed. It simply allows for the full story.

Why Grief Can Feel So Complicated

When a parent dies, we are not only grieving who they were. Sometimes we are grieving who we hoped they would become.

We may also mourn:

The apology we never received.

The conversation(s) we never had.

The understanding or acceptance we longed for.

The relationship we wished could have existed.

This kind of grief is layered. There is grief for the parent we had, and grief for the parent we needed. Both losses deserve acknowledgment.

The Guilt of Telling the Truth

Many adult children carry guilt when they speak honestly about a parent who has passed away. They worry that acknowledging their pain is disrespectful. They fear being seen as ungrateful. They wonder if they should simply focus on the positive. But honesty is not the same thing as condemnation.

You can appreciate the sacrifices someone made and still acknowledge the wounds you carry. You can recognize their humanity without minimizing your own experience. Your healing does not require rewriting history.

But…That’s not How I Remember it.

Another challenge can arise when siblings have different experiences of the same parent. One sibling may remember warmth and support. Another may remember criticism, emotional neglect, or instability. Neither experience is necessarily wrong. Parents often show different sides of themselves to different children. This can make conversations about grief especially difficult.

You may feel isolated in your truth. You may worry about upsetting others. You may also find yourself carrying your emotions quietly to avoid conflict.

If this resonates with you, know that your experience is still valid. You do not need unanimous agreement for your feelings to matter.

Healing Without Erasing the Past

Healing does not require you to choose between love and truth. It asks you to make room for both. You can remember the good times. You can cherish the memories that bring comfort. You can hold compassion for your parents’ struggles.

And you can acknowledge the ways you were hurt.

These realities are not opposites. They are pieces of the same story.

A Gentle Reminder

If you are grieving a parent who both loved and hurt you, please know this:

You are not disloyal for telling the truth. You are not ungrateful for acknowledging your pain. You are not a bad person for having mixed emotions. Grief is rarely simple.

Sometimes healing begins when we stop trying to force our feeling into neat categories and allow ourselves to hold the complexity of being human.

You are allowed to love them.

You are allowed to miss them.

You are allowed to hurt.

And you are allowed to heal.

Until next time Boo, keep Glowing…

Reflection Question:

What would change if I gave myself permission to honor both the love I received and the pain I experienced- without feeling guilty for either?

When Love Requires Distance:

Navigating Narcissistic Abuse in Family and Friendships

Hey Boo!

I’ve noticed something.

When people talk about narcissistic abuse, the conversation often centers around romantic relationships. But narcissistic dynamics can also exist within families and friendships, making them more difficult to recognize and navigate.

Unlike a romantic relationship, family and long-term friendships often come with deep emotional ties, shared history, social expectations, and feelings of obligation. Many people stay in unhealthy dynamics not because they don’t recognize the harm, but because they genuinely care about the person involved.

This is why conversations about boundaries, low contact, and no contact deserve more compassion and understanding.

What Narcissistic Abuse Can Look Like Outside of Romance

In familial and platonic relationships, narcissistic abuse may look like:

Chronic guilt-tripping

Emotional manipulation

Gaslighting

Boundary violations

Silent treatment

Triangulation

Constant criticism disguised as concern

Making everything about their needs

Punishing you when you become more independent

Over time, these patterns can leave you feeling emotionally exhausted, anxious, confused, and disconnected from your own intuition. You may find yourself constantly questioning your perceptions or feeling responsible for someone else’s emotions.

Why Leaving Feels So Difficult

One of the biggest misconceptions about low contact or no contact is that people make these decisions impulsively.  In reality, most people who go low or no contact spend years doing everything they can to save the relationship first.

They have the difficult conversations, try to explain their feelings, offer forgiveness, set boundaries, give chance after chance, and even minimize their own needs to keep the peace. By the time they finally begin creating distance, they are often emotionally depleted. The decision to go low/no contact is usually born from repeated experiences, not a single incident or disagreement.

Low Contact and No Contact Are Not Punishments

This is a very important distinction to remember.

Healthy boundaries are not about controlling another person. They are about protecting your own well-being.

Low Contact may involve:

Limiting conversations

Avoiding emotionally charged topics

Reducing access to personal life

Creating emotional space**

No contact may become necessary when repeated attempts to create healthier interactions have failed and the relationship continues to cause significant harm.

Neither choice makes a person cruel. Neither choice means they stopped caring.

Sometimes distance becomes necessary when proximity repeatedly causes injury.

The Guilt That Often Follows

Many survivors experience intense guilt after establishing boundaries. They often wonder to themselves:

“Am I being selfish?”

“Am I overeacting?”

“What if they change?”

“What will other people think?”

These questions are normal. Especially for people who were conditioned to prioritize everyone else’s comfort before their own.

But the guilt you’re feeling does not automatically mean you are doing something wrong. Sometimes guilt simply means you are doing something different.

You Are Allowed to Protect Your Peace

Not every relationship can be healed through communication. Not everyone is willing to acknowledge their behavior or the impact it has on others.

And not every relationship is meant to continue in its current form.

You are allowed to create boundaries. You are allowed to choose our emotional well-being. You are allowed to stop participating in dynamics that consistently harm you.

Most importantly, you are allowed to trust yourself.

Healing often begins when we stop asking for permission to protect our peace and start recognizing that our peace is worth protecting.

A Gentle Reminder

If you are navigating narcissistic abuse within a family or a friendship, please know this:

You do not have to prove your pain.

You do not have to justify your boundary.

You do not have to sacrifice your mental health to make others comfortable.

You are allowed to choose safety.

You are allowed to choose healing.

And you are allowed to choose yourself.

Here are a few affirmations to give you strength as you navigate through this part of your journey:

My boundaries are an act of self-respect.

I do not need to justify the decisions I make for my well-being.

Protecting my peace is not selfish.

I trust myself to recognize what is healthy for me.

And one of my personal favorites:

I can love someone and still choose distance.

Remember, you can wish someone well and still refuse to hand them continued access to your peace. You can love someone and still choose yourself.

Both can be true.

Be gentle with yourself Boo. Til next time…

**Creating emotional space means finding the best time, place, and method to regularly and safely investigate and learn from your feelings.