Expectations lead to Unhappiness…

Hello Beautiful souls! 💖

Today’s blog may contain some explicit language. So if that’s not your jam- no problem. I’ll see you next time. 🙂

For those of you still with me, I’d like to share an experience of mine that lead me to a very liberating conclusion.

The conclusion is: Expectations lead to Unhappiness.

For those of you that aren’t aware, I am a black woman who lives in an area that is not very culturally diverse. I mean, at all. My family and I constantly get stares when we are out in town. The stores have little to no products for our hair and skin types. A large percentage of the city’s residents are Caucasian people that seem completely unadjusted to the presence of other races…My place of work mimics that lack of diversity.

Well, directly after my traumatic discard experience from the narcissistic relationship I was in, (I discuss this more in my upcoming book entitled The Evolution) I met a seemingly nice coworker who was a Caucasian male. We worked beside each other for 12 hours and we talked. We had experienced similar relationship betrayals. We bonded and became friends. My sister and I sometimes rode with him to work. Things were going pretty well…

Another coworker joined the car pool. He was also a Caucasian male. One particular morning on our way to work a racially insensitive word was said by my friend-the driver. He said gal..

Moment of transparency: I did not hear the context of the conversation. He was having a conversation with his passenger in the front and I was having a different conversation with my sister in the back. To be completely honest I do not care what the context of the conversation was. I was immediately triggered by the word. I let out a small guttural noise as soon as I heard it.

When I looked his direction, he was already looking at me in his rear view mirror. “What’s wrong?” He asked. I informed him that I did not like that word. I explained to him that I felt triggered by that word and I told him why. He responded by casually saying that he ‘used that word all the time’. I had spent quite a bit of time with him and had never heard him use the word before, but if I may be frank- I don’t give a damn. He proceeded to use the word again while looking at me in his mirror. I found the word unacceptable, and I thought we were friends. Out of respect I believed that he should stop using a word that offended a good friend. Someone that he called sister.

Apparently, he did not agree. He went on to say that he would not stop using the word and then he called me “gal” directly to my face. I was very angry. Momentarily, I felt like I had devolved. I wanted to thoroughly beat his ass.

We stopped being friends after that. We didn’t even speak to each other.

For the sake of growth; I knew that I had to do some self evaluation. As I did, I learned where my error was. My error was that I had an expectation of my former friend. I expected him to change his choice of words because I found offense in them. But that is not my right. Whether I agree with them or not, I cannot choose his words for him.

A similar thing often happens in relationships. One person may expect certain things from their mate and become very displeased when things do not go as they envision.

*Note: Expectations are not to be confused with Standards or Boundaries.

These are my definitions-

Expectations are the imposition of a person’s thoughts, ideals or behaviors onto another person.

Standards are a person’s personal guidelines for relationships, treatment, and/or behaviors.

Boundaries are a person’s guidelines put in place to protect their own peace and personal comfort.

It is healthy to have standards and boundaries.

That being said, I realized that having expectations of others only leads to disappointment if things do not go the way that I’d like.

I should not have allowed another person’s perception to have a negative affect on me. He has a right to his reality just as I have a right to mine. I do not accept his reality. I am not a gal, girl, bitch, or any other term used in a negative context. I am a woman. A creator. I am a goddess made of strength, sensuality, intelligence, beauty, and stardust.

And no one can take that from me unless I give it to them.

And this lesson; this realization has been so immensely liberating for me because it has freed me from the weight of other people’s behaviors. I take everyone at face value, maintain my standards and boundaries. And I govern myself.

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

You Can Do ANYTHING!

Hello Beautiful Souls 💖

I won’t be before you long- as I’ve heard many men of the cloth say but it was never true. 🤣

I just want to take a few moments to encourage some and remind others of this undisputable fact:

You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to do.

That is an actual fact. Think about that. Understand it. You can literally do anything you set your mind to.. as soon as you take the limits off of yourself. Anything.

Because when you set your mind that means that you are locked in. You are diligent, and you are focused on this thing. You apply time and energy to this thing daily.

And when you do that- the roadblocks crumble.

The obstacles move, and you formulate a way to do that thing in your mind.

And then you go do it. Then, you come back to step one. You focus on something else. Set your mind on it and repeat the process over again.

You can do anything.

So…what are you gonna do?

Feel free to comment and let me know what you plan to do!

Until next time, beautiful souls 💖

Not My Lupus!

Hello beautiful souls 💖

I hope that this blog finds you in good spirits. I’ve been traveling all day, but I wanted to make it a point to discuss this topic before February ends… so here goes:

In February of 2003, I was diagnosed with Lupus, RA, (rheumatoid arthritis) and a couple of other things. As you could imagine; I was afraid. I didn’t know much about lupus, but what I did know wasn’t good. At all. A family friend had just passed away due to lupus complications. What’s more, I was in my third trimester of pregnancy! I was afraid for myself, my future, and my child.

I was in pain a lot. Undoubtedly, it put strain on my marriage. We were both young and not quite used to being adults. There were so many things to deal with at once.. I felt like a burden to my husband and I believe that I was going through postpartum depression as well. Some days, I could barely walk. My codependency increased as a result. I lived in fear for years and I counted myself out.

I realized that I had sentenced myself to a lifetime of pain, sadness, and mediocrity because of this diagnosis. I felt even more inadequate than I had already thought I was. Sometimes I settled for things when I knew I deserved better because I was just grateful that someone was willing to be with me with all the issues I had.

I found that I was inadvertently attaching myself to the illness. I often referred to it as ‘my lupus’. I would say things like, ‘Well, I can’t make plans because I never know when my lupus is gonna flare up.’ And ‘I can’t do that type of job because of my lupus.’

BUT…

There’s always a ‘but’…💖

But I’ve grown to understand that a diagnosis does not make me who I am. It does not define me! I am a person worthy of respect and love with or without that diagnosis. An illness does not make me less of a person. If anything, it makes me that much more unique and strong.

I began to understand that the way I thought and spoke had doomed me far more than any illness could. I had to stop giving that illness power over me!

*Disclaimer* I am not saying in any way, shape or form to disregard medical advice or diagnosis.

What I am saying is that people with illnesses could benefit largely by understanding their strengths and practicing a little detachment. I was making the situation worse by thinking the worst.

Occasionally, I feel some discomfort but it isn’t severe. I am so much more happy, healthy, and in control of my body and my life. So, if you’ve been diagnosed with an illness my advice to you is to decide right now that YOU are in charge. Do not attach yourself to it. Do not call it yours.

Love yourself, be gentle with yourself and remember that you are not your circumstances.

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

Strawberries

Hello beautiful souls 💖

I was thinking about a meme that I saw on Instagram some time ago. It said something to the degree of ‘you could be the juiciest, sweetest strawberry in the world. There’s still gonna be some people that don’t like strawberries. And it hit me.

Again.

This is information that I already knew, but at the time I needed to be reminded. Sometimes self depreciating thoughts and ego creep in and try to cause me to revert back to my old ways.

I’m still relatively new to this stage in my life where I speak and think freely without fear of rejection or repercussions. The stage where the best isn’t yet to come; the best is here and now because I create it with my mind. I am here. In this beautiful stage where I dare to be my happiest and most authentic. I dare to be who I am- unabashed.

And this stage has become a permanent place.

I am grateful to have reached this place in my life where I finally realize that I can be myself. I live in a liberating state where I don’t feel the need to explain how and why strawberries are awesome. I find joy and solace in who I am. I love my uniqueness. And the dislike or disapproval of others does not change that.

I am a sweet, juicy strawberry. Not everyone likes strawberries.

And that’s okay.

To all my other strawberries out there; stay sweet!

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

Follow Up/Reach Out

Hello beautiful souls 💖

Today, I wanted to do a follow up blog based on last week’s post. Last week’s post was a poem that I had written; entitled Can’t Find Happy.

While I was typing those words that I had written a few years back, I could recall the depth of sadness and misery that I was feeling when I originally wrote it. During that time, I was fighting with everything I had to salvage my marriage and make my family happy.

The man that I loved was unhappy. And although I was also unhappy, I put myself on the back burner and focused on him. No matter how hard I focused on his happiness, he seemed to always find something to be unhappy about. In turn, I became even more unhappy. This deep sadness had become depression.

I was an unaware, ill-equipped empath who was codependent and had trauma bonded with a narcissist. My environment was toxic. My self esteem was at an all time low due to being constantly manipulated and gaslighted, and I didn’t believe that I could leave and do well on my own. I felt trapped. I felt broken. And I felt oh so lost.

Can’t Find Happy was written in efforts to release my depression and despair through writing. Depression is very real and should be taken very seriously. It is a legitimate illness that has chemical effects on the brain and the body.

It isn’t always easy to spot, (some people who battle depression are very good at hiding their inner turmoil) but if you notice a change in behavior in a friend or loved one Please Follow Up with them! If they seem uncharacteristically moody, withdrawn, easily flustered, distracted, or lethargic, these may be indications that something is wrong. Follow Up with them. Show them that you care! Compassion is free.

And if you, beautiful soul; feel any of the previously mentioned symptoms. If you feel like you’re carrying a burden that is too heavy for you- Please reach out!

**There are people that care!

I care.

And things may seem heavy and hopeless now, but you can make it out of that situation. I was in a situation that I thought was hopeless and I made it through.

I was depressed, but I made it.

I was manipulated, but I made it.

I was broken, but I made it.

I was gaslighted, but I made it.

I was doubted, but I made it.

I was afraid, but I made it.

I made it.

I made it!!

And so can you.

And so will you.

And so ARE you.

A post from the narcissistic abuse support group I’m in…

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

Complete

Hello beautiful souls 💖

Today, there is so much gratitude and joy in my heart as I see a painful cycle of my life coming to a close.

Over the past few much I have endured much. Some of it good, some…not so much, but I learned a lesson from every experience. And that, today is what I want to focus on.

It’s easy to feel good and be happy when things are going well. But it’s during those times of learning, unfamiliarity, and sometimes even betrayal that have the most growth and rewards come from them.

And during this time, is when I really learned how strong I am. I had been put in a strange and difficult position and there was no one to depend on but me. This is not to say, of course that no one was there for me. There were/are a few very special and very supportive people in my small circle that gave me words of encouragement and showed me kindness.

But when the rubber meets the road, if a person wants change, only they can do that for themselves. I had spent so much time doubting myself…I couldn’t do that anymore. I had to make something happen. There were people depending on me. I was depending on me.

I pulled myself together and started writing my goals down. I started meditating more, I wrote new affirmations and my confidence began to grow. I had no choice but to believe in myself.

It didn’t happen overnight, but things began to change. Once my perspective changed work got a bit easier and I saw the good in my situation.

And now I’m actually quite grateful for that betrayal because it set me free. It helped me see myself truly. I learned that I already am and have what I need.

I am complete within myself.

And so are you.

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

Allow Today to Be Awesome!

Today is monumental to me. Today- a day that had all the makings of another average occurrence of days tumbling one on top of another, was allowed- by me- to be something magical. I woke up and smiled. “Today is an awesome day!” I said to myself.

I started the day in gratitude. I burned some sage and palo santo, I set my intention for a ‘beautiful day filled with love’. I meditated. I admired my crystals for a little while and then began to say my affirmations.

This time, I decided to say them in front of the mirror. Things were going typically until I got to one specific affirmation:

“I am beautiful.”

When I said this affirmation in the mirror, I cringed. Say it again. So, I did. I didn’t cringe this time. Say It Again. And I did. “I am beautiful.” It wasn’t painful. In fact, it seemed like less of a lie this time. One More Time. “I am beautiful.”

Silence.

I stood there; replaying the words in my head. I looked at myself, and for the first time in all of my life; I saw a beautiful person looking back at me.

“I am beautiful.” I whispered to myself once more…and I believed it! I began to cry.

I never thought I was beautiful. Maybe ‘cute’ sometimes when I have my hair and makeup done. Perhaps ‘pretty’ if I really liked my outfit. But I have never felt beautiful.

So, today is indeed a special day for me. And I hope that today is a special day for you as well. May today be the day that you discover something new about yourself. May today be the day that you find your bliss.

I am grateful for today because it is a milestone on my journey of self-love and self-discovery. Today is a great day because I allow it to be. Because I am a deliberate creator and I decide what type of day I am to have. I decide.

And that in itself; is a beautiful day filled with love.

Much love and be blessed. 💜✨Mimi