Sexy

Hello beautiful souls 💖

Today I felt inspired! So much so, that I’m posting my blog early this week.

Some of you may already know that I am currently writing two books. One of them is a book of poetry and the other is a book about my personal journey. While I was writing this morning, I had some thoughts that I wanted to share.

Excerpt from my upcoming book:

I never thought of myself as sexy. When men asked me to ‘do something sexy’ I always would cringe on the inside. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what was sexy. I couldn’t recognize myself as sexy, and I didn’t know how to emulate it because I’d never felt it before. I didn’t think I could be sexy. Isn’t that against the rules? I was brought up a certain way. Christian girls aren’t sexy. They are holy. They are good. I thought I had to be good; and by default that meant that I could not be sexy.

I was made to believe that kind or ‘righteous’ souls are not sexy or provocative because that is lustful behavior. And lustful behavior will send you right to the pits of hell…I tried to be what I thought was good…

I had put too much pressure on myself to be someone else’s depiction of perfect. I had become helpful to the point of my own detriment, and submissive to the point of utter foolishness. In time, I became depressed and resigned. I was his doormat.

As I reflect on how poor my morale and my self image was at that time in my life; I can’t help but be extremely grateful for the progress that I’ve made. This journey of mine is on-going. I work on loving myself and affirming positivity into my life daily. I am honest with myself and take ownership of all of me-even the parts of me that still need work. Especially those parts.

That’s the beauty of this journey for me: discovering that I can be kind and sexy, vulnerable and powerful, whimsical and wise. I can be exactly who I am.

And I love it here.

Until next time, beautiful souls 💖

You Can Do ANYTHING!

Hello Beautiful Souls 💖

I won’t be before you long- as I’ve heard many men of the cloth say but it was never true. 🤣

I just want to take a few moments to encourage some and remind others of this undisputable fact:

You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to do.

That is an actual fact. Think about that. Understand it. You can literally do anything you set your mind to.. as soon as you take the limits off of yourself. Anything.

Because when you set your mind that means that you are locked in. You are diligent, and you are focused on this thing. You apply time and energy to this thing daily.

And when you do that- the roadblocks crumble.

The obstacles move, and you formulate a way to do that thing in your mind.

And then you go do it. Then, you come back to step one. You focus on something else. Set your mind on it and repeat the process over again.

You can do anything.

So…what are you gonna do?

Feel free to comment and let me know what you plan to do!

Until next time, beautiful souls 💖

Not My Lupus!

Hello beautiful souls 💖

I hope that this blog finds you in good spirits. I’ve been traveling all day, but I wanted to make it a point to discuss this topic before February ends… so here goes:

In February of 2003, I was diagnosed with Lupus, RA, (rheumatoid arthritis) and a couple of other things. As you could imagine; I was afraid. I didn’t know much about lupus, but what I did know wasn’t good. At all. A family friend had just passed away due to lupus complications. What’s more, I was in my third trimester of pregnancy! I was afraid for myself, my future, and my child.

I was in pain a lot. Undoubtedly, it put strain on my marriage. We were both young and not quite used to being adults. There were so many things to deal with at once.. I felt like a burden to my husband and I believe that I was going through postpartum depression as well. Some days, I could barely walk. My codependency increased as a result. I lived in fear for years and I counted myself out.

I realized that I had sentenced myself to a lifetime of pain, sadness, and mediocrity because of this diagnosis. I felt even more inadequate than I had already thought I was. Sometimes I settled for things when I knew I deserved better because I was just grateful that someone was willing to be with me with all the issues I had.

I found that I was inadvertently attaching myself to the illness. I often referred to it as ‘my lupus’. I would say things like, ‘Well, I can’t make plans because I never know when my lupus is gonna flare up.’ And ‘I can’t do that type of job because of my lupus.’

BUT…

There’s always a ‘but’…💖

But I’ve grown to understand that a diagnosis does not make me who I am. It does not define me! I am a person worthy of respect and love with or without that diagnosis. An illness does not make me less of a person. If anything, it makes me that much more unique and strong.

I began to understand that the way I thought and spoke had doomed me far more than any illness could. I had to stop giving that illness power over me!

*Disclaimer* I am not saying in any way, shape or form to disregard medical advice or diagnosis.

What I am saying is that people with illnesses could benefit largely by understanding their strengths and practicing a little detachment. I was making the situation worse by thinking the worst.

Occasionally, I feel some discomfort but it isn’t severe. I am so much more happy, healthy, and in control of my body and my life. So, if you’ve been diagnosed with an illness my advice to you is to decide right now that YOU are in charge. Do not attach yourself to it. Do not call it yours.

Love yourself, be gentle with yourself and remember that you are not your circumstances.

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

Strawberries

Hello beautiful souls 💖

I was thinking about a meme that I saw on Instagram some time ago. It said something to the degree of ‘you could be the juiciest, sweetest strawberry in the world. There’s still gonna be some people that don’t like strawberries. And it hit me.

Again.

This is information that I already knew, but at the time I needed to be reminded. Sometimes self depreciating thoughts and ego creep in and try to cause me to revert back to my old ways.

I’m still relatively new to this stage in my life where I speak and think freely without fear of rejection or repercussions. The stage where the best isn’t yet to come; the best is here and now because I create it with my mind. I am here. In this beautiful stage where I dare to be my happiest and most authentic. I dare to be who I am- unabashed.

And this stage has become a permanent place.

I am grateful to have reached this place in my life where I finally realize that I can be myself. I live in a liberating state where I don’t feel the need to explain how and why strawberries are awesome. I find joy and solace in who I am. I love my uniqueness. And the dislike or disapproval of others does not change that.

I am a sweet, juicy strawberry. Not everyone likes strawberries.

And that’s okay.

To all my other strawberries out there; stay sweet!

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

Be Impeccable with Your Word!

Hello beautiful souls 💖

Today, I just wanted to touch bases with you and remind you of the power of your words. As humans, we have been gifted with a power that no other creature on earth has: we are able to speak.

This is a gift and with our words we can build or tear down, bless someone or curse them.

We as people can sometimes be brazen when we speak to others. Sometimes we get angry and say the first thing that comes to our minds without any regard to the damage that we may cause.

I just finished reading an awesome book called The Four Agreements. If you haven’t read it; I recommend that you do.

The First Agreement of the four is Be Impeccable with Your Word. I define impeccable as ‘on point’, deliberate, careful, intentional. According to the book, impeccable quite literally means “without sin.” To be impeccable with your word means to speak carefully and be sure to not “sin” against yourself or others.

When we speak negative words or things with ill intent, we literally send out poison to ourselves and the people around us. These words can create strongholds or agreements that we are obligated to live by until the agreement is broken.

For Example: A single mother is tired after a long day of work. All she wants to do is take off her shoes and relax, but she just found out that her son got involved in a situation at school that requires her attention. She goes and picks up her son from school and they head home. During the ride, the frustrated mother tells her son that he’s a really bad kid and that he always causes problems.

The little boy accepted his mother’s words as factual. He has now made an agreement with himself that he is a really bad kid that always causes problems. Ten years later, the little boy is in high school. He often receives disciplinary action at school and is on the verge of being expelled. His mother doesn’t understand why her son behaves this way.

It was her words that presented a verbal contract and without knowing any better, the little boy accepted it. He has an agreement- an obligation to always cause problems just as his mother said all those years ago. This will continue unless the boy accepts a different agreement. It takes work, but agreements can be broken.

Wouldn’t it just be better if we mind our mouths from the beginning?

Well…we don’t have the beginning. It’s gone forever. But we do have now. We can be kinder now. We can be loving now. We can be intentional now.

We can be impeccable with our word now.

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

The Ultimate Goal

Hello beautiful souls 💖

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately in regards to my goals. As I grow and evolve, I find it imperative to not only identify my desires, but to set a plan in motion to obtain the things that I desire.

So, I asked myself what my goals are and even what my ultimate goal is. This is what I came up with:

The ultimate goal for me is to feel high without stimulants. To “get high” at will. I’d like to achieve a state of elevation and remain there. Additionally, I want to open and balance my crown Chakra and experience nirvana. For a moment I questioned myself. I wondered if my ultimate goal was perhaps a bit lofty. After some thought I decided that I’d rather live my life trying to obtain it than to prematurely count myself out.

I then formulated a plan to discover and experience my own bliss. I found that the key to nirvana for me is expansion. In order to expand, I must dare to step out of the predictable and the ordinary, and take that leap of faith into the exciting, creative, bold…intoxicating even!

I cannot settle for a dull existence. I will not resign to working a job that I absolutely hate just to pay my bills. Although I know I have to make a living, I will make the time to build the life that I want. The point of this human experience is to bound boldly and fearlessly out of mediocrity and explore the possibilities of life. And then take those possibilities and make them realities.. A reality where I love and live without limits and encourage others to do the same.

My goal is to be worry free- to be fearless. To appreciate life..to be grateful for who I am and what I have.. to spread love, passion, fire…To lose control sometimes and not always go with the safest choice. Not to be irresponsible or wreckless- but to be okay with not knowing how every day will end because somehow I know that life will be beautiful and superb. That is my ultimate goal.

And that is my hope and dream for you as well. For you to achieve your ultimate goal. There is room and time and space for each and every one of us to experience our own nirvana. Complete and utter bliss. We just have to dare to step put of our comfort zones.

I am stepping out. Who’s coming with me? 😉

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

Follow Up/Reach Out

Hello beautiful souls 💖

Today, I wanted to do a follow up blog based on last week’s post. Last week’s post was a poem that I had written; entitled Can’t Find Happy.

While I was typing those words that I had written a few years back, I could recall the depth of sadness and misery that I was feeling when I originally wrote it. During that time, I was fighting with everything I had to salvage my marriage and make my family happy.

The man that I loved was unhappy. And although I was also unhappy, I put myself on the back burner and focused on him. No matter how hard I focused on his happiness, he seemed to always find something to be unhappy about. In turn, I became even more unhappy. This deep sadness had become depression.

I was an unaware, ill-equipped empath who was codependent and had trauma bonded with a narcissist. My environment was toxic. My self esteem was at an all time low due to being constantly manipulated and gaslighted, and I didn’t believe that I could leave and do well on my own. I felt trapped. I felt broken. And I felt oh so lost.

Can’t Find Happy was written in efforts to release my depression and despair through writing. Depression is very real and should be taken very seriously. It is a legitimate illness that has chemical effects on the brain and the body.

It isn’t always easy to spot, (some people who battle depression are very good at hiding their inner turmoil) but if you notice a change in behavior in a friend or loved one Please Follow Up with them! If they seem uncharacteristically moody, withdrawn, easily flustered, distracted, or lethargic, these may be indications that something is wrong. Follow Up with them. Show them that you care! Compassion is free.

And if you, beautiful soul; feel any of the previously mentioned symptoms. If you feel like you’re carrying a burden that is too heavy for you- Please reach out!

**There are people that care!

I care.

And things may seem heavy and hopeless now, but you can make it out of that situation. I was in a situation that I thought was hopeless and I made it through.

I was depressed, but I made it.

I was manipulated, but I made it.

I was broken, but I made it.

I was gaslighted, but I made it.

I was doubted, but I made it.

I was afraid, but I made it.

I made it.

I made it!!

And so can you.

And so will you.

And so ARE you.

A post from the narcissistic abuse support group I’m in…

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

Complete

Hello beautiful souls 💖

Today, there is so much gratitude and joy in my heart as I see a painful cycle of my life coming to a close.

Over the past few much I have endured much. Some of it good, some…not so much, but I learned a lesson from every experience. And that, today is what I want to focus on.

It’s easy to feel good and be happy when things are going well. But it’s during those times of learning, unfamiliarity, and sometimes even betrayal that have the most growth and rewards come from them.

And during this time, is when I really learned how strong I am. I had been put in a strange and difficult position and there was no one to depend on but me. This is not to say, of course that no one was there for me. There were/are a few very special and very supportive people in my small circle that gave me words of encouragement and showed me kindness.

But when the rubber meets the road, if a person wants change, only they can do that for themselves. I had spent so much time doubting myself…I couldn’t do that anymore. I had to make something happen. There were people depending on me. I was depending on me.

I pulled myself together and started writing my goals down. I started meditating more, I wrote new affirmations and my confidence began to grow. I had no choice but to believe in myself.

It didn’t happen overnight, but things began to change. Once my perspective changed work got a bit easier and I saw the good in my situation.

And now I’m actually quite grateful for that betrayal because it set me free. It helped me see myself truly. I learned that I already am and have what I need.

I am complete within myself.

And so are you.

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

Celebrate!

Hello beautiful souls 💖

During this time of year and this point in my life I find it to be of vital importance to celebrate.

I didn’t allow myself to celebrate much before. I felt that I hadn’t accomplished anything worth celebrating- except for create my daughter- and I didn’t do even do that on my own.

I realized that my way of thinking in the past was not only negative, but it was ungrateful. Self evaluation proved that I had been choosing to see my life and experiences as some sort of punishment or rejection by “God”. I felt like I was being picked on; bullied. My perspective was completely damaging. I was grading myself based on outside expectations and popular clichés and comparing myself to my peers.

Over the years, I have learned and evolved much. I have looked into my past and separated the pain from the lessons. I have begun to truly know, love, and appreciate myself. I find that life is much more simple and enjoyable when I stop overthinking or worrying and just live.

Live and Celebrate.

Celebrate!

I celebrate each day that I am given. I celebrate my gifts and talents, my empathy and kindness, my body, my experiences, my wisdom, my sensuality, my intelligence, my uniqueness…

I celebrate me.

And you should celebrate yourself as well.

Let’s Celebrate!

Until next time beautiful souls ✨ 💖

Stop Overthinking!

Hello beautiful souls!

I had an uncomfortable conversation with someone that I care about and it led me to the topic of this blog.

He pointed out that I am an “overthinker” and went on to say that having a conversation with me is hard sometimes because I put too much thought into my responses…

And it hurt.

Initially, I got upset. I was offended. Wow. I thought to myself. Did he just say that talking to me is hard? I could’ve responded that if talking to me was so difficult, then he could simply stop talking to me. But that would’ve been an egotistical response said out of negative emotions that I was feeling. I didn’t want that.

Instead, I took some time after the call to process and evaluate what was said. And there are still aspects of the conversation that do not resonate with me (I discarded those) but I found what he said to be true.

I do tend to overthink. I knew that before he said it. But what I didn’t understand was; why?

And now I know.

Overthinking is the byproduct of fear and self doubt. I had made decisions and said things in the past that led to such painful experiences, that I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t trust myself to say what I wanted to say exactly as I wanted to say it, I didn’t trust myself to do and be what I wanted to do and be because I had never done it before.

There was always someone or something holding me back.

I thought it was parents, Peers, teachers, the military, significant others, people on social media…

But after further review; I realized that the “someone” was me. And while it’s true that people didn’t respond well to things that I did and said, I had to come to grips with the fact that I am not responsible for another person’s reaction. Their truth and my truth may not be the same.

In addition to that, some of the past decisions I made that didn’t fare well were made from the ego and misinformation.

Overthinking only leads to procrastination, discomfort, anxiety, fear, complacency, and a myriad of other negative emotions and setbacks. Overthinking keeps us from living our best lives and being our most elevated selves. It prevents action and promotes mediocrity. Some people overthink to prevent making a decision not realizing that overthinking is a decision. It’s just not a favorable one.

Currently when faced with a decision; I consider these things: 1. I make sure that I am aligned with my inner wisdom. 2. I do not prioritize the opinions/reactions of others over my own.

Now that I am considering those two things with every decision, I can move forward in confidence.

This change is quite necessary in order for me to fulfill my calling and destiny in life. I cannot help or inspire others if I overthink and constantly live in my head.

And the change may not happen overnight. But I am putting this knowledge to work and developing a new practice.

So, the next time you’re faced with a decision and it’s time to take action, take a moment to think, but don’t let yourself be consumed by overthinking.

Do not let fear overtake you.

Everything is going to be okay.

From one recovering overthinker to another: trust yourself.

Until next time beautiful souls… 💜💫💜