Not My Lupus!

Hello beautiful souls 💖

I hope that this blog finds you in good spirits. I’ve been traveling all day, but I wanted to make it a point to discuss this topic before February ends… so here goes:

In February of 2003, I was diagnosed with Lupus, RA, (rheumatoid arthritis) and a couple of other things. As you could imagine; I was afraid. I didn’t know much about lupus, but what I did know wasn’t good. At all. A family friend had just passed away due to lupus complications. What’s more, I was in my third trimester of pregnancy! I was afraid for myself, my future, and my child.

I was in pain a lot. Undoubtedly, it put strain on my marriage. We were both young and not quite used to being adults. There were so many things to deal with at once.. I felt like a burden to my husband and I believe that I was going through postpartum depression as well. Some days, I could barely walk. My codependency increased as a result. I lived in fear for years and I counted myself out.

I realized that I had sentenced myself to a lifetime of pain, sadness, and mediocrity because of this diagnosis. I felt even more inadequate than I had already thought I was. Sometimes I settled for things when I knew I deserved better because I was just grateful that someone was willing to be with me with all the issues I had.

I found that I was inadvertently attaching myself to the illness. I often referred to it as ‘my lupus’. I would say things like, ‘Well, I can’t make plans because I never know when my lupus is gonna flare up.’ And ‘I can’t do that type of job because of my lupus.’

BUT…

There’s always a ‘but’…💖

But I’ve grown to understand that a diagnosis does not make me who I am. It does not define me! I am a person worthy of respect and love with or without that diagnosis. An illness does not make me less of a person. If anything, it makes me that much more unique and strong.

I began to understand that the way I thought and spoke had doomed me far more than any illness could. I had to stop giving that illness power over me!

*Disclaimer* I am not saying in any way, shape or form to disregard medical advice or diagnosis.

What I am saying is that people with illnesses could benefit largely by understanding their strengths and practicing a little detachment. I was making the situation worse by thinking the worst.

Occasionally, I feel some discomfort but it isn’t severe. I am so much more happy, healthy, and in control of my body and my life. So, if you’ve been diagnosed with an illness my advice to you is to decide right now that YOU are in charge. Do not attach yourself to it. Do not call it yours.

Love yourself, be gentle with yourself and remember that you are not your circumstances.

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

Follow Up/Reach Out

Hello beautiful souls 💖

Today, I wanted to do a follow up blog based on last week’s post. Last week’s post was a poem that I had written; entitled Can’t Find Happy.

While I was typing those words that I had written a few years back, I could recall the depth of sadness and misery that I was feeling when I originally wrote it. During that time, I was fighting with everything I had to salvage my marriage and make my family happy.

The man that I loved was unhappy. And although I was also unhappy, I put myself on the back burner and focused on him. No matter how hard I focused on his happiness, he seemed to always find something to be unhappy about. In turn, I became even more unhappy. This deep sadness had become depression.

I was an unaware, ill-equipped empath who was codependent and had trauma bonded with a narcissist. My environment was toxic. My self esteem was at an all time low due to being constantly manipulated and gaslighted, and I didn’t believe that I could leave and do well on my own. I felt trapped. I felt broken. And I felt oh so lost.

Can’t Find Happy was written in efforts to release my depression and despair through writing. Depression is very real and should be taken very seriously. It is a legitimate illness that has chemical effects on the brain and the body.

It isn’t always easy to spot, (some people who battle depression are very good at hiding their inner turmoil) but if you notice a change in behavior in a friend or loved one Please Follow Up with them! If they seem uncharacteristically moody, withdrawn, easily flustered, distracted, or lethargic, these may be indications that something is wrong. Follow Up with them. Show them that you care! Compassion is free.

And if you, beautiful soul; feel any of the previously mentioned symptoms. If you feel like you’re carrying a burden that is too heavy for you- Please reach out!

**There are people that care!

I care.

And things may seem heavy and hopeless now, but you can make it out of that situation. I was in a situation that I thought was hopeless and I made it through.

I was depressed, but I made it.

I was manipulated, but I made it.

I was broken, but I made it.

I was gaslighted, but I made it.

I was doubted, but I made it.

I was afraid, but I made it.

I made it.

I made it!!

And so can you.

And so will you.

And so ARE you.

A post from the narcissistic abuse support group I’m in…

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

Not good at being 39

The days that lead up to my birthday (December 13) were filled with anticipation and planning. I would take on this new year of life with an unprecedented hunger. I’ve always had goals, but now I have a plan of action and a “can do” attitude. I was prepared to make this the best year yet. The first of many great years to come.

When the day came, however, it brought with it unpredictability and disaster. I was in Las Vegas at my hubby’s job when I got a call from my sister. Okay, nothing out of the ordinary there- my sister is one of my best friends.

But she was calling me to tell me that our mother was behaving strangely and that she may need to go to the emergency room. This sucked the joy out of my soul. You see, my mother had suffered from a stroke about six months ago and was in the hospital for an entire month. She got home and was doing really well. She was eating better and was much more active. But (oh how I hate buts) she soon returned to her previous habits and had regained the weight she lost during recovery. And now this.

My chest hurt. I couldn’t breathe. I could feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes, so I quickly gathered my things and exited the building. I just had to get to the car so that I could cry in peace.

Too late.

Tears stream down my face before I could open the door. I collapse into the front seat and weep. Everyone else is inside the building working, so at least no one saw me.

Not everyone was in the building.

I didn’t see him, but one of my husband’s coworkers/friends was taking his break in the car next to ours. He immediately contacted hubby over the radio, asking him to meet him outside. In moments, my husband was beside me asking what was wrong. I told him. A few minutes later, we were leaving the job site and our plans for the day to head home. Nothing else mattered. I had to get to my mama.

When we got the the house, mom had been cleaned up and dressed. For all intents and purposes; she was ready to go. But she wouldn’t cooperate and didn’t recognize us, so it was difficult. It took five of us to get her safely into the truck. We headed to the hospital.

Would you believe we had car trouble?! Of all the things to happen right now! Fortunately, we have more than one car and were only a few miles from home. We called our son to bring another car. We switched, loaded mom into the other vehicle and left.

When we got to the hospital, they almost immediately took her into a room. I was so grateful. I just didn’t want time to keep passing without her receiving help. It didn’t take long for medical professionals to agree that she had another stroke. She was admitted and is still recovering.

My family made an attempt to make up for the shambles that was my birthday, but it failed miserably. We are all concerned about mama, and things won’t be okay until she is. I told them that I appreciate the effort, but I would prefer to just move forward.

Please get better mama, I don’t wanna be 39 without you here.