The good in my bad day.

Hi!

I have been going through some changes lately during this pandemic- as we all have I’m sure, but today, I want to put a positive spin on an otherwise bad situation.

It has been 17 years since I was diagnosed with Lupus and I’ve had quite a few ups and downs. Some days are great, while others…less so. Along with my lupus diagnosis came kidney disease and RA. There are days of excruciating pain and unreasonable fatigue, but because of my family and my resilience; I make it through.

About a week ago was one of those bad days. There was pain in my knees and ankles, and swelling in my feet. I was trying to pretend like I was okay. I had successfully finished cooking dinner, but I still had a few dishes left to wash. Almost there; I said to myself. I was attempting to psych myself into getting the kitchen done so that I could get off of my feet.

But pain gripped me in such a way that I couldn’t pretend anymore. It cut me off mid sentence and I lost my train of thought. My husband noticed the change in my demeanor and insisted that I stop right there and sit down. He walked me to our room. Each step was a nightmare! I dreaded the thought of picking up my legs to move…

I got to the room and sat for a little while, but I needed to shower. So, after hubby went to the backyard I got up to do just that. It took me about five minutes to get to our master bathroom 🤦🏾‍♀️ but I got there.

Hubby called to check on me and I told him of my plan to take a shower. He instructed me to put the phone on speaker and stayed on the phone with me. It. Was. Difficult! The pain was unreal and I tried not to cry but was unsuccessful. I could barely stand. I sat on the ledge inside of the shower and only stood when absolutely necessary.

I looked down at my phone (on the floor just outside of the shower) and realize the call had been ended. “Its okay. I can do this without bothering anyone.”

I was trying to coach myself into believing that. I didn’t have to because when I looked up again, hubby was there. He disrobed and joined me in the shower. He washed me, helped me out of the shower and then dried me and wrapped me with the towel.

I cried.

It was a combination of embarrassment, pain and gratitude that caused my tears. “Why are you crying?” He asked softly. “You don’t have to cry; I’m here. I’ll always be here.” He said.

I cried harder.

I literally couldn’t thank him enough. And I realized something: it’s great to be strong but it’s also okay to be vulnerable at times. Being an adult doesn’t mean you’ll never need help. I had been so caught up in being independent- especially since my diagnosis, that I could be a bit stubborn and unreasonable. I guess I felt like I had something to prove. Not always being able to do simple tasks that used to be effortless at one time; really messes with a person’s psyche.

But I am evolving and growing past that insecurity.

He let me know that he was there for me to lean on, and when I need to- I will.

I reflect on that day and quite frankly, I’m just so glad that I have someone to be there for me during those times. He was the good part of my bad day and I am so grateful.

Remember to keep smiling folks. And be kind to one another.

Love and Light- Mimi 💜

The giving tree

Do you remember that story by Shel Silverstein? In case you don’t, it’s a story about a tree that deeply loved a little boy; even to its own detriment. As a child, it was one of the stories that impacted me most. I wasn’t sure at the time why that story meant so much- I was so angry at the selfish little boy. I used to wish that the boy would return the tree’s love; or that the tree would realize that the boy didn’t love him and say ‘no’ for once. I wished that the tree would love itself more.

But now, I realize that I grew up to be a human version of that tree.

I didn’t love myself very much. But now, I do. I love myself.

I remember a point in time when I couldn’t honestly say that. I didn’t really see anything worth loving; so I needed someone’s love to validate me. I’ve always been enamored with love. It seemed so out of reach for me. Other people had love, but not me. I longed for it. I chased it. I immersed myself in it.

And I thought something was wrong with me because the people I loved didn’t love me back. I found myself in this cycle- this self destructive cycle- where I’d pour my love into someone until I exhausted myself. The person would take my love gladly, but I received little to nothing in return. When I had nothing else to give; the person became bored and left. I became bitter and depressed…until the next opportunity to prove how worthy of love I was came along…

Each “opportunity” left me more broken than the last.

Until I unplugged. I unplugged from expectations and took some time to myself. I took a good look at myself. Not my outer appearance; but my qualities. My personality. My morals. All the things that make me –Me. And I began to celebrate them. It took some time but yes; I celebrated myself!

And now I can emphatically say that no matter what my relationship status is: I’m okay. Because I do not need another person’s love to complete me. I am whole with or without a partner.

I still love freely and completely, but I’m no “giving tree”. Because I’ve learned that true love doesn’t leave you empty and I love myself enough to walk away from toxicity.

Thanks for reading.

Love and Light- Mimi 💜

Taboo (Religion)

There are certain things that I purposely avoid talking about. I’ve never really been the type of person that likes to upset people.

As I grew older and wiser, I realized that that had to change. I still don’t like upsetting people, but I know that there are some things that need to be said- whether someone gets hurt or not. Because in the end, if you don’t speak your truth and live your truth, it is YOU that ends up hurting.

That being said, I am going to address a topic that many people may consider taboo: religion. I feel that this is necessary because I recently published a book about a Christian family.

This book, entitled Small Family Battles; was written over 6 years ago when I was a devout Christian. It addresses common issues and situations that occur in everyday life in what I call “church culture.”

Now, I say ‘was a devout Christian’ because my views on religion and church culture have changed. My life experiences have caused me to have a less ‘black and white’ view than I had at one point.

But I was never the stereotypical Christian…I didn’t judge others and I didn’t gossip. I myself was judged and treated like an outcast- no way I’d put anyone else through that! I tried to live by the Bible and be “the ideal Christian “…whatever that is.

After a while I had to break free. Try as I might, I couldn’t meet the standards of church leadership. Yes, I made mistakes and I sinned, but I was met with the same blatant disdain no matter how good or bad I was doing. Certain other members and I were left out, looked down on, and scrutinized. I had questions about the Bible that I was afraid to ask for fear of more scrutiny. I was becoming depressed and bitter. I didn’t feel like I was becoming a better person…and that’s the point of it all, isn’t it?

Yes! Of course that’s the point of it all. If you are practicing a religion and are not improving as a person: I urge you to evaluate yourself, your life, and your religion.

And please; don’t take this the wrong way. I have absolutely nothing against Christians or any other religious groups! I just believe that people should do what makes them better, happy; whole.

And if religion makes you better- then by all means continue on. But no matter what your religious beliefs are, I do believe that everyone can relate to one of the characters in Small Family Battles. The story is filled with real life situations. It’s entertaining- no matter what your beliefs are.

Until next time; remember to live out loud, love honestly and truly, and always speak your truth.

Love and Light – Mimi 💜

Beware of the whirlwind

Ladies! I’m sure you’ve seen it- it’s in the books we read, and the movies and shows we watch are saturated in it: whirlwind romances.

The hardworking, underrated beauty gets stuck in the elevator with her spoiled, rich, handsome, (yet somehow still single) boss and lightning strikes!

Or the witty, feisty, event planner lands a contract for an awesome guy who’s engaged to a total…let’s say ‘witch’, who reveals her true intentions in perfect timing to foil her own agenda and allow this event planning underdog to swoop in and be the answer to all the dreams he never knew he had– and the event planner and Mr. Awesome get married instead.

Days later.

Ladies, you have seen it! And I’m sure you have too fellas- your wife, ex-girlfriend or someone in your life has roped you into watching something with a very similar story line. And you shake your head in disbelief while wondering if your IQ has dropped a few points.

I understand.

But this is what we love to watch.

And I speak for myself when I divulge the reason why: because it’s not real!

The reality of it is, the hardworking, underrated, beauty might get stuck in the elevator with her spoiled, rich boss. True enough.

But in reality; the boss either ignores her completely because they are of two totally different socioeconomic statuses. Or she only thought that lightning struck. They go back to his place where she becomes just another notch on his bedpost. A few months later, she quits or gets fired when she meets his wife or fiancé at the company Christmas party.

You already know what happens to the event planner, don’t you? Nothing. She continues to plan the event because he does in fact marry the witch that’s no good for him. The event planner sulks for a week or two while listening to love songs and imagining what could’ve been. Event planner runs into Mr. Awesome five years later and he is a divorcée with twice the kids and half the money he had before.

They try to rekindle the flame they once had, but Mr. Awesome now has trust issues and isn’t quite over his ex wife. On top of that, event planner “is really focused on her career right now “.That’s really just lonely woman code for ‘I dated a few jerks and it didn’t work out, so now I’m jaded.’ They have sex a couple of times and secretly blame each other for it not working out.

Who wants to watch that?!

Reality bites enough sometimes. I don’t know about you, but I watch movies and tv to get away from reality a little bit. That is why I watch romantic comedies and the like. I want to see the underdog win.

That is why I say; “beware of the whirlwind.” Because in real life, most people are cautious. They don’t jump into life-long commitments with people they met a week ago. So, if a person tries to “romantic comedy ” you; dig a little. Meet his or her family. Talk to their friends. Don’t “Jessica Fletcher ” them, but be careful.

Because only Fools Rush In. (Another romantic comedy.)

Be blessed, be free, be true to yourself.

Phase 1…again

It seems like I’ve spent most of my life in phase 1. Starting over, reinventing, learning, loving, gaining, losing…although, “phase 1 ” is in reference to me restarting the Atkins diet, I felt the bitter sting of irony when I realized that I may be at phase one in other aspects of my life as well.

This is my second marriage. I’m older now and more refined and I feel that he should be as well. Especially when you consider that there’s quite an age difference between us.

I don’t expect us not to disagree, but I do believe that at this juncture in our lives, we should both be past certain things. And we don’t seem to be. I’m growing tired of being the main person to compromise; to sacrifice, to take the high road.

At times, our blended family doesn’t blend so well and we all experience some discomfort.

But I draw the line at perpetual discomfort. I get fed up when my daughter is uncomfortable. She’s not perfect, but she’s polite, helpful, caring and goes out of her way to be kind to everyone. So if my daughter is uncomfortable; I am uncomfortable.

We as parents are supposed to lead by example. We should treat all members of the family with love and respect. I just feel like my daughter and I compromise and walk on eggshells much more than my bonus son and my husband do.

So, if this situation does not work itself out soon I will not only be in phase 1 of my diet, but I will be in phase 1 in life yet again.

That means twice divorced, getting a new place, a new bank account and a new job. But it’s okay.

I survived it once, I can survive it again if need be.

Depression. Is. Real.

I’m all about transparency. I feel that in sharing my vulnerabilities; I can perhaps help someone else. Whether it’s preventing them from going down the same path, helping them realize their strengths, or to let them know that they aren’t alone- I just want to help people.

That being said; I just want to go on record and say that Depression is real. It’s not someone being “sad” or just trying to get attention. It’s far more than that. It’s starts internally. Sometimes it builds up. Sometimes it quickly overtakes the person suffering. Either way it goes- depression is real and can be debilitating.

I am currently going through a bout with depression. For weeks, I internalized my feelings. I didn’t want to burden anyone…but as the days crashed into each other and various situations and demands attacked me from all directions; I finally had a meltdown. It wasn’t a stage four freak-out or anything huge, but the depression had made itself impossible to hide.

I went out to my truck to run an errand and one of the tires were flat.

I came unhinged.

I was thinking about making my niece late for work, about how I had to call the attendance office for my daughter, about how little I felt I had done with my life, about Lupus, about everything imaginable-

And I burst into tears. I mean, I wept. This took all of my family members by surprise and they were concerned. I got hugged from all directions. My father took the car keys and headed to the tire shop, and my niece called her job and informed them of our car troubles.

Things were okay…for the time being. But I have a huge issue to resolve somehow. I’m not sure how to go about this. I’ve read that it’s good to set goals and maintain a routine, so I’m working on that. I’m also pushing myself to exercise (endorphins) and do things that I’d ordinarily enjoy.

It’s a process and I’m taking things one day at a time.

If you are a person who suffers from depression, I urge you to talk to someone. Look for the beauty and positivity in each day and focus on that. Know that you are loved. Invaluable. Please hold on. You can beat this!

Be blessed. I’ll see you on the mountain top. ❤️