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You Made Me Who I am Today, But if I Never Saw You Again it Would be Too Soon.

Hey Boo!

For this week’s blog, I thought I’d do something different. A week or so ago, I saw a post from a content creator expressing love and gratitude to the person who helped them elevate to their current level of being. It brought me joy to see the post, but it also caused me to reflect on the person who made me who I am today and that’s not quite as joyful a story. I want to share some of my story with you in the form of a letter. Here goes:

Dear “Deion”,

A lot has happened since we last spoke. It’s been over two years since we’ve had any communication at all, and I know that’s not what you wanted, but it’s what I needed. I blocked you on social media, changed my number and stopped responding to your e-mails because it was clear that you were still unwilling to claim any responsibility for the way our marriage fell apart. My jaw hit the floor when I read your line about how ‘if anyone was afraid, it should be you’. I was amazed and appalled, especially since it was me who was threatened with a steel pipe and chased away from my home on foot.

I won’t mince words- our marriage was a complete disaster. From the very beginning you weren’t honest about who you were. You lied about your age, how many children you had, and your criminal history just to name a few things. The thing about that is if you were honest from the beginning, I may have still given you a chance. I thought you were a decent guy and my heart went out to you as you talked about the women in your past and how they’d done you wrong. I had experienced similar hurt and betrayal and just wanted someone I could love freely who would reciprocate. I thought that I’d found that in you. But I couldn’t have been more wrong.

You looked me in my eyes as I shared my pain, vulnerabilities, and fears and you vowed to be different. And I guess you didn’t lie because you were different. You turned out to be much worse than anything I’d encountered before.

The first few months were blissful. You were caring, thoughtful, and attentive. You looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen in your life. You told me that you’d never met a woman like me, and you appreciated all of the things that I did for you out of love. You said you loved everything about me- how I dressed and presented myself, my intelligence and personality, even my goals and aspirations. I had written and self-published a book and you had offered to help me promote it on social media. I was so happy to be your wife. I would’ve went to the ends of the earth for you because I loved you. And you loved me too, right?

Wrong.

After the first few months, I never saw the man I married again. Your representative had disappeared, and I was left with something that you had actually never shared with me, your true self. You started complaining about the very things you claimed to love and understand. We began to fight a lot and I made changes to keep the peace. You didn’t want me working, so I quit. You felt like social media was causing problems in our marriage, so I disconnected. I changed how I dressed so that you wouldn’t think I was ‘trying to look good for someone else’. Essentially, I tried to become everything you wanted me to be. But even that wasn’t enough. Every time I met your expectations, you created new ones for me to meet. As I put in more effort, you put in even less. The fighting increased and intensified to the point of exhaustion. Sometimes things got physical, and let’s not forget the night you could’ve ended both of our lives.

It may seem like I’m trying to dump all of the blame on you, but I’m not. Although youdid a lot of very hurtful things to me, it was I who allowed them. I take responsibility for my lack of self-esteem, poor boundaries, and codependency. I acknowledge that there were red flags that I ignored because I was already so convinced that you were the one. I made excuses for you and dismissed things that I shouldn’t have.

During the course of our marriage, I gained over 60 pounds, struggled with bouts of depression and ptsd, and experienced multiple lupus flares due to stress. I was stifled, isolated, and miserable.

Outside of the passing of my parents, our marriage was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I’d never felt so broken, so worthless, so low. But it was also one of the most impactful. Because when you hit rock bottom, there’s nowhere to go but UP. And that’s what I did. From the trauma and pain I was able to heal and rise like a phoenix from the ashes.

And in some way, I have you to thank for that. The truth is, you helped make me the person I am today but if I never saw you again it would be too soon. I don’t wish you any harm and I truly hope that you are able to heal from your wounds and find peace. Because that’s what I was able to do and it’s absolutely blissful. Not perfect but blissful.

Goodbye “Deion”, and good luck.

Well, that’s all I have for this week beautiful souls. Until next time, keep Glowing…

Not My Lupus!

Hello beautiful souls 💖

I hope that this blog finds you in good spirits. I’ve been traveling all day, but I wanted to make it a point to discuss this topic before February ends… so here goes:

In February of 2003, I was diagnosed with Lupus, RA, (rheumatoid arthritis) and a couple of other things. As you could imagine; I was afraid. I didn’t know much about lupus, but what I did know wasn’t good. At all. A family friend had just passed away due to lupus complications. What’s more, I was in my third trimester of pregnancy! I was afraid for myself, my future, and my child.

I was in pain a lot. Undoubtedly, it put strain on my marriage. We were both young and not quite used to being adults. There were so many things to deal with at once.. I felt like a burden to my husband and I believe that I was going through postpartum depression as well. Some days, I could barely walk. My codependency increased as a result. I lived in fear for years and I counted myself out.

I realized that I had sentenced myself to a lifetime of pain, sadness, and mediocrity because of this diagnosis. I felt even more inadequate than I had already thought I was. Sometimes I settled for things when I knew I deserved better because I was just grateful that someone was willing to be with me with all the issues I had.

I found that I was inadvertently attaching myself to the illness. I often referred to it as ‘my lupus’. I would say things like, ‘Well, I can’t make plans because I never know when my lupus is gonna flare up.’ And ‘I can’t do that type of job because of my lupus.’

BUT…

There’s always a ‘but’…💖

But I’ve grown to understand that a diagnosis does not make me who I am. It does not define me! I am a person worthy of respect and love with or without that diagnosis. An illness does not make me less of a person. If anything, it makes me that much more unique and strong.

I began to understand that the way I thought and spoke had doomed me far more than any illness could. I had to stop giving that illness power over me!

*Disclaimer* I am not saying in any way, shape or form to disregard medical advice or diagnosis.

What I am saying is that people with illnesses could benefit largely by understanding their strengths and practicing a little detachment. I was making the situation worse by thinking the worst.

Occasionally, I feel some discomfort but it isn’t severe. I am so much more happy, healthy, and in control of my body and my life. So, if you’ve been diagnosed with an illness my advice to you is to decide right now that YOU are in charge. Do not attach yourself to it. Do not call it yours.

Love yourself, be gentle with yourself and remember that you are not your circumstances.

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

Follow Up/Reach Out

Hello beautiful souls 💖

Today, I wanted to do a follow up blog based on last week’s post. Last week’s post was a poem that I had written; entitled Can’t Find Happy.

While I was typing those words that I had written a few years back, I could recall the depth of sadness and misery that I was feeling when I originally wrote it. During that time, I was fighting with everything I had to salvage my marriage and make my family happy.

The man that I loved was unhappy. And although I was also unhappy, I put myself on the back burner and focused on him. No matter how hard I focused on his happiness, he seemed to always find something to be unhappy about. In turn, I became even more unhappy. This deep sadness had become depression.

I was an unaware, ill-equipped empath who was codependent and had trauma bonded with a narcissist. My environment was toxic. My self esteem was at an all time low due to being constantly manipulated and gaslighted, and I didn’t believe that I could leave and do well on my own. I felt trapped. I felt broken. And I felt oh so lost.

Can’t Find Happy was written in efforts to release my depression and despair through writing. Depression is very real and should be taken very seriously. It is a legitimate illness that has chemical effects on the brain and the body.

It isn’t always easy to spot, (some people who battle depression are very good at hiding their inner turmoil) but if you notice a change in behavior in a friend or loved one Please Follow Up with them! If they seem uncharacteristically moody, withdrawn, easily flustered, distracted, or lethargic, these may be indications that something is wrong. Follow Up with them. Show them that you care! Compassion is free.

And if you, beautiful soul; feel any of the previously mentioned symptoms. If you feel like you’re carrying a burden that is too heavy for you- Please reach out!

**There are people that care!

I care.

And things may seem heavy and hopeless now, but you can make it out of that situation. I was in a situation that I thought was hopeless and I made it through.

I was depressed, but I made it.

I was manipulated, but I made it.

I was broken, but I made it.

I was gaslighted, but I made it.

I was doubted, but I made it.

I was afraid, but I made it.

I made it.

I made it!!

And so can you.

And so will you.

And so ARE you.

A post from the narcissistic abuse support group I’m in…

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

Balance

Hi beautiful souls!

As I discover myself anew of this spiritual journey; I realize more and more how important balance is. I just wanted to share a few thoughts on the importance of balance.

Life is about balance. You can’t be completely selfish just as you can’t be completely selfless. If you’re selfish; then you’re constantly taking. Often to the detriment of others. Taking and storing. Taking and storing. And eventually, you fill your vessel to its capacity.

And then what happens?

You become stagnant. There’s a stench. It starts to smell because some of what you continue to hold on to has become useless to you. It’s wasting away.

It now belongs to someone else but you won’t release it. “What about me? What about me? What about me?” Until you’re completely full. You can’t take on any new information or learn any new gifts because you haven’t cultivated anything but yourself. There’s no flow.

On the other hand, if you’re completely selfless, you give and give and give. But then, what becomes of you? You are now ill nourished, miserable, weak, nonfunctional, dried up and probably even bitter because you gave of your entire self without being refilled. You feel used. You have nothing else to give now. There’s no flow. We all need flow. We need that constant movement and exchange of energy to be our best selves. We need balance.

This I know from experience because I was a giver. I would give to spouses, lovers, and boyfriends thinking that they would see how wonderful I was and give back. When they didn’t give back, or didn’t give back equally- it hurt me to my core. Until I met someone else. I was in a self destructive cycle.

I gave and gave until one day I looked around and saw what little there was left of myself. This journey helped me see what I was doing to myself and what I was allowing…

But now I break free!

I share my vulnerability in the hope that it will reach and help someone before they experience this pain. Or perhaps you’re in a similar situation, and this piece may be used to enlighten you and remind you of how wonderful you are- with or without the validation of another person.

Either way; I hope this helps someone.

Until next time beautiful souls… 💜✨ Mimi

The good in my bad day.

Hi!

I have been going through some changes lately during this pandemic- as we all have I’m sure, but today, I want to put a positive spin on an otherwise bad situation.

It has been 17 years since I was diagnosed with Lupus and I’ve had quite a few ups and downs. Some days are great, while others…less so. Along with my lupus diagnosis came kidney disease and RA. There are days of excruciating pain and unreasonable fatigue, but because of my family and my resilience; I make it through.

About a week ago was one of those bad days. There was pain in my knees and ankles, and swelling in my feet. I was trying to pretend like I was okay. I had successfully finished cooking dinner, but I still had a few dishes left to wash. Almost there; I said to myself. I was attempting to psych myself into getting the kitchen done so that I could get off of my feet.

But pain gripped me in such a way that I couldn’t pretend anymore. It cut me off mid sentence and I lost my train of thought. My husband noticed the change in my demeanor and insisted that I stop right there and sit down. He walked me to our room. Each step was a nightmare! I dreaded the thought of picking up my legs to move…

I got to the room and sat for a little while, but I needed to shower. So, after hubby went to the backyard I got up to do just that. It took me about five minutes to get to our master bathroom 🤦🏾‍♀️ but I got there.

Hubby called to check on me and I told him of my plan to take a shower. He instructed me to put the phone on speaker and stayed on the phone with me. It. Was. Difficult! The pain was unreal and I tried not to cry but was unsuccessful. I could barely stand. I sat on the ledge inside of the shower and only stood when absolutely necessary.

I looked down at my phone (on the floor just outside of the shower) and realize the call had been ended. “Its okay. I can do this without bothering anyone.”

I was trying to coach myself into believing that. I didn’t have to because when I looked up again, hubby was there. He disrobed and joined me in the shower. He washed me, helped me out of the shower and then dried me and wrapped me with the towel.

I cried.

It was a combination of embarrassment, pain and gratitude that caused my tears. “Why are you crying?” He asked softly. “You don’t have to cry; I’m here. I’ll always be here.” He said.

I cried harder.

I literally couldn’t thank him enough. And I realized something: it’s great to be strong but it’s also okay to be vulnerable at times. Being an adult doesn’t mean you’ll never need help. I had been so caught up in being independent- especially since my diagnosis, that I could be a bit stubborn and unreasonable. I guess I felt like I had something to prove. Not always being able to do simple tasks that used to be effortless at one time; really messes with a person’s psyche.

But I am evolving and growing past that insecurity.

He let me know that he was there for me to lean on, and when I need to- I will.

I reflect on that day and quite frankly, I’m just so glad that I have someone to be there for me during those times. He was the good part of my bad day and I am so grateful.

Remember to keep smiling folks. And be kind to one another.

Love and Light- Mimi 💜

Beware of the whirlwind

Ladies! I’m sure you’ve seen it- it’s in the books we read, and the movies and shows we watch are saturated in it: whirlwind romances.

The hardworking, underrated beauty gets stuck in the elevator with her spoiled, rich, handsome, (yet somehow still single) boss and lightning strikes!

Or the witty, feisty, event planner lands a contract for an awesome guy who’s engaged to a total…let’s say ‘witch’, who reveals her true intentions in perfect timing to foil her own agenda and allow this event planning underdog to swoop in and be the answer to all the dreams he never knew he had– and the event planner and Mr. Awesome get married instead.

Days later.

Ladies, you have seen it! And I’m sure you have too fellas- your wife, ex-girlfriend or someone in your life has roped you into watching something with a very similar story line. And you shake your head in disbelief while wondering if your IQ has dropped a few points.

I understand.

But this is what we love to watch.

And I speak for myself when I divulge the reason why: because it’s not real!

The reality of it is, the hardworking, underrated, beauty might get stuck in the elevator with her spoiled, rich boss. True enough.

But in reality; the boss either ignores her completely because they are of two totally different socioeconomic statuses. Or she only thought that lightning struck. They go back to his place where she becomes just another notch on his bedpost. A few months later, she quits or gets fired when she meets his wife or fiancé at the company Christmas party.

You already know what happens to the event planner, don’t you? Nothing. She continues to plan the event because he does in fact marry the witch that’s no good for him. The event planner sulks for a week or two while listening to love songs and imagining what could’ve been. Event planner runs into Mr. Awesome five years later and he is a divorcée with twice the kids and half the money he had before.

They try to rekindle the flame they once had, but Mr. Awesome now has trust issues and isn’t quite over his ex wife. On top of that, event planner “is really focused on her career right now “.That’s really just lonely woman code for ‘I dated a few jerks and it didn’t work out, so now I’m jaded.’ They have sex a couple of times and secretly blame each other for it not working out.

Who wants to watch that?!

Reality bites enough sometimes. I don’t know about you, but I watch movies and tv to get away from reality a little bit. That is why I watch romantic comedies and the like. I want to see the underdog win.

That is why I say; “beware of the whirlwind.” Because in real life, most people are cautious. They don’t jump into life-long commitments with people they met a week ago. So, if a person tries to “romantic comedy ” you; dig a little. Meet his or her family. Talk to their friends. Don’t “Jessica Fletcher ” them, but be careful.

Because only Fools Rush In. (Another romantic comedy.)

Be blessed, be free, be true to yourself.

Phase 1…again

It seems like I’ve spent most of my life in phase 1. Starting over, reinventing, learning, loving, gaining, losing…although, “phase 1 ” is in reference to me restarting the Atkins diet, I felt the bitter sting of irony when I realized that I may be at phase one in other aspects of my life as well.

This is my second marriage. I’m older now and more refined and I feel that he should be as well. Especially when you consider that there’s quite an age difference between us.

I don’t expect us not to disagree, but I do believe that at this juncture in our lives, we should both be past certain things. And we don’t seem to be. I’m growing tired of being the main person to compromise; to sacrifice, to take the high road.

At times, our blended family doesn’t blend so well and we all experience some discomfort.

But I draw the line at perpetual discomfort. I get fed up when my daughter is uncomfortable. She’s not perfect, but she’s polite, helpful, caring and goes out of her way to be kind to everyone. So if my daughter is uncomfortable; I am uncomfortable.

We as parents are supposed to lead by example. We should treat all members of the family with love and respect. I just feel like my daughter and I compromise and walk on eggshells much more than my bonus son and my husband do.

So, if this situation does not work itself out soon I will not only be in phase 1 of my diet, but I will be in phase 1 in life yet again.

That means twice divorced, getting a new place, a new bank account and a new job. But it’s okay.

I survived it once, I can survive it again if need be.