Letting Go

Hello Beautiful Souls! 💖

I’ve been processing a lot of emotions lately. To be completely honest I didn’t know if all the emotions were mine or where they were coming from. Self evaluation and reflection have become some of my most powerful tools on this journey. I knew that I had to stop and sort things out.

Some of the emotions I was feeling were feelings of grief. Some of you may already know that I lost my father in November of 2020. He was not only my father, but a close friend of mine. He was an awesome person. We talked often and we lived under the same roof. The whole family and I were shocked and grief stricken at such a loss.

Over a year has passed and I just started to feel like I was getting it together. I hadn’t been crying quite as much. I could think of him and laugh a little; when I couldn’t at first…I was beginning to heal.

And then I lost it.

I felt heavy, sad, and confused. I tried to quickly move through the experience without truly feeling it. I was trying too hard to get back to “normal.” I wanted so badly for the pain to go away. I just wanted to be okay.

But the emotions that I felt were too strong to ignore. And I realized that the reason I was feeling these emotions so strongly was because I wasn’t letting go. In my efforts to heal, I tried to tuck away the pain, sadness, and grief that I was experiencing. But that wasn’t the solution.

I needed to let go.

But first, I had to sit in it. In order to move forward, I had to feel the pain, acknowledge the hurt, be okay with not being okay, and cry. Once I did those things; I could begin letting go. I let go of the tears and the regret. I let go of all anger and blame.

And then I reminded myself that healing and grief are not linear. There will be great days, and there will be more challenging ones. And when those challenging days come I will evaluate myself, feel my emotions, process them, and let go in a healthy way.

I’ve also learned the importance of letting go in relationships. For years I carried the weight, rejection, and pain from past relationships. I’ve always been one to love deeply and I used to take it personally when my relationships didn’t succeed. I’d take it as direct reflection of me. Why wasn’t I good enough? What could I have done differently? What makes her so much better than me? And a myriad of other self blaming, self depreciating thoughts.

And then I learned my worth. I learned the art of letting go and practicing detachment. I let go of the notion that I wasn’t good enough. I let go of my people pleasing and codependent behaviors and I set a new standard.

I refuse to let a person manipulate me into staying in a toxic relationship. I will not stay in an environment where I’m not happy and be emotionally abused just to prove my loyalty. I will not be gaslighted or guilted into sticking around. I no longer accept the narrative that I’m ‘giving up’. I trust my intuition and I love myself enough to let go of what no longer serves me.

And my sincerest hope is that you see how wonderful you are and do the same. Letting go is beautiful…

Until next time beautiful souls 💖

Don’t Stay Down

Hi!

I just wanted to create a post for people who may be feeling down right now, or maybe you’re doubting yourself for one reason or another.

Know that you aren’t alone.

Know that you are loved.

Know that it’s okay to be down sometimes- just don’t stay there.

I personally have had some mixed feelings this week. There were some incredible highs: my daughter graduating from high school, finally meeting and making peace with my ex husband’s wife. (She’s actually a sweetheart!)

And there were lows. The graduation itself made me think of my father and how proud he would’ve been to see my daughter walk across the stage. When my ex husband and his wife offered their sincere condolences for his passing- I almost crumbled. It hurts so much that he didn’t get to see that. He was always so proud and supportive of us all.

But I couldn’t stay in that sad place. I had to be present. Of course, that’s not to say that I immediately was happy again, but I knew I couldn’t stay in that sad place.

I thanked them for their condolences, focused on some of the good times with my father and let gratitude for this event take me back to a positive place.

It’s important to process emotions rather than cover them up. Don’t be in a hurry to ‘be okay’ if you genuinely don’t feel that way. It’s also important to know the difference between processing and wallowing. If you get too comfortable in that sad place, you could spiral and make it so much harder to raise your vibration again.

Here are some methods I use to regain positivity: listening to positive affirmations, meditation, journaling, drawing, playing with my dogs, going for a walk or drive.

I really hope that this will help someone.

Until next time; much love. Be blessed and be free!

My daughter and my father on her 17th birthday

Grief..

It’s been a while.

I couldn’t bring myself to blog consistently – try as I might- due to recent circumstances in my life.

On November 17, 2020 I lost my father. And that has been difficult for me and my family. I briefly touched on it in a blog post, but I didn’t mention my inner turmoil.

Losing my father sent shock waves through my entire household. We have always been a family oriented group of people, but moving out to Arizona together made us that much closer. We were family, friends; we were our own little community. Each member was important, and each person played a role.

His passing was like an explosion followed by an earthquake. The people near him got hurt first in the explosion, and then during the earthquake which; in my opinion, was a 9.5 on the Richter scale. And then, we had to spread that hurt.

…and now, it’s been three months and one day and I still mourn his loss. But I guess that’s what grief is- it’s an earthquake. You suffer the initial damage, and then randomly, there are aftershocks.

I’ve learned that grieving is not linear. It’s a cycle. No one can tell you when or how to grieve. No one can tell you how long to grieve either. You may have some good days- do not feel guilty about them! And unfortunately, some days may feel like you’re back at day 1.

All I can say is this:

1. Take your time and actually process the loss. If you bury it; it will only hurt more later.

2. Cry as much as you need to. (Yes, it’s okay.)

3. Don’t let the loss consume you! (This is a tough one, but it’s very important.) When we lose someone close to us, it can affect us in many ways- some people get angry, feel lost and/or hopeless, some get depressed. Or maybe a combination of those emotions and others. It’s important to identify your emotions and deal with them accordingly.

*I personally felt a mixture of these emotions, and because of COVID-19, grief counseling is not available. But, I am coping with my grief through meditation, and therapeutic activity that I enjoy such as writing and drawing.

4. Take care of yourself! Be kind to yourself and others. Remember that you are still here because you have work to do. Get reacquainted with yourself and discover/rediscover your purpose.

5. Remember your loved one “out loud.” I plan to keep my father’s memory alive by remembering the moments we shared, the things he taught me, and the man that he was.

In fact…

My father was an awesome man. He was funny, kind, loving, smart, supportive…he was one of my closest friends. My father was the kind of man who would go to work with broken ankles and hide his crutches from his employer so that he could continue to provide for us. He was a hard worker; a man of integrity, and a great listener with wisdom, creativity, and charisma.

I love you and I will always remember you out loud.

Michael

I lost him a week ago today. He was my first love. He was giving, caring, funny, smart, loving and hard working.

He showed me what love really was. Not the cheesy, romantic comedy type love- but honest love. Love that’s real and true. Love that stands through anger and remains steadfast even when you don’t get your way. I thought that if I could get a man half as good as Michael; I’d be the most blessed woman on earth.

You see, Michael is my father. He and my mother were married for 40 years. They didn’t have a lot of material things, but they had each other. And they had us.

I wanted to become wealthy so that I could reward my parents for all of their hard work and sacrifice. I wanted to spoil them. But now, he’s gone and all of our hearts are broken.

So, my new goal is to make sure that everyone knows his name. Michael Antonio. My first love.