This week is all about the second step in The Evolution to our best selves: Be Intentional.
(Step one was last week’s topic: Show Up For Yourself!)
To be intentional is to be mindful of your thoughts, aware of your actions, and to be deliberate with your time and energy. In short, being intentional means that your actions have a specific aim or purpose.
Here are some tips for being intentional:
1. Prioritize tasks
2. Create a schedule
3. Set boundaries
4. Form good habits
An accountability partner may also be useful if you find yourself losing motivation.
If you’d like some suggestions or have any that you’d like to add, feel free to comment and let me know!
Next week, we will be talking about the third step in the ongoing process of evolution: Self Evaluation.
Always remember; you are heard, you are loved, you are seen.
I just wanted to take a moment to check on all the adults out there.
The wearers of many hats. The ones putting everything into everyone else but themselves.
I see you.
I see you being the stellar employee at work, the kids’ personal chef, the sounding board for your spouse. The “go to” friend or relative. You’re always there when they need you. You always show up and are present,, aware,, engaged,, attentive. You give 110% to the people you care about. But do you show up for yourself?
If you’re anything like I used to be, the answer is a resounding “NO.”
I had to learn to show up for myself. I started with prioritizing myself and I struggled with it at first. It felt wrong. I felt like I was being selfish. I was so used to putting myself on the back burner that basic self care felt like overindulgence.
I had to realize that self care is not wrong. It is vital and should be a daily occurrence. Even if it is a small thing, we must do something for ourselves every day.
Take a few minutes out of your day and invest in yourself. My intention each day is to spend half an hour enriching myself. Some days I reach and even exceed my goal and others…not so much. It happens. Fifteen minutes invested is better than no time at all…
Feel like you’re too busy to commit? Here are a few suggestions:
Set an alarm. If possible, wake up a few minutes earlier than the family to have a moment to yourself.
Fake sleep. This may sound silly, but when I was in a really controlling relationship, I used to wake up and be completely still for a while. I’d meditate and think positive thoughts before getting out of bed. Those positive thoughts really helped me through some rough days.
Go to the bathroom. Another strategy I learned during my last marriage. Going to the bathroom can give you a moment to gather yourself and take a few deep breaths. One of my favorites is three deep breaths. Inhale Peace. Exhale Love. It works in a pinch!
If you found these tips useful, would like to know more, or have any other tips, please feel free to reach out and let me know. 😊
The key to showing up for yourself is being intentional; which I will go into more detail about next week.
I wish the very best for you and challenge you to show up for yourself!
Today’s blog may contain some explicit language. So if that’s not your jam- no problem. I’ll see you next time. 🙂
For those of you still with me, I’d like to share an experience of mine that lead me to a very liberating conclusion.
The conclusion is: Expectations lead to Unhappiness.
For those of you that aren’t aware, I am a black woman who lives in an area that is not very culturally diverse. I mean, at all. My family and I constantly get stares when we are out in town. The stores have little to no products for our hair and skin types. A large percentage of the city’s residents are Caucasian people that seem completely unadjusted to the presence of other races…My place of work mimics that lack of diversity.
Well, directly after my traumatic discard experience from the narcissistic relationship I was in, (I discuss this more in my upcoming book entitled The Evolution) I met a seemingly nice coworker who was a Caucasian male. We worked beside each other for 12 hours and we talked. We had experienced similar relationship betrayals. We bonded and became friends. My sister and I sometimes rode with him to work. Things were going pretty well…
Another coworker joined the car pool. He was also a Caucasian male. One particular morning on our way to work a racially insensitive word was said by my friend-the driver. He said gal..
Moment of transparency: I did not hear the context of the conversation. He was having a conversation with his passenger in the front and I was having a different conversation with my sister in the back. To be completely honest I do not care what the context of the conversation was. I was immediately triggered by the word. I let out a small guttural noise as soon as I heard it.
When I looked his direction, he was already looking at me in his rear view mirror. “What’s wrong?” He asked. I informed him that I did not like that word. I explained to him that I felt triggered by that word and I told him why. He responded by casually saying that he ‘used that word all the time’. I had spent quite a bit of time with him and had never heard him use the word before, but if I may be frank- I don’t give a damn. He proceeded to use the word again while looking at me in his mirror. I found the word unacceptable, and I thought we were friends. Out of respect I believed that he should stop using a word that offended a good friend. Someone that he called sister.
Apparently, he did not agree. He went on to say that he would not stop using the word and then he called me “gal” directly to my face. I was very angry. Momentarily, I felt like I had devolved. I wanted to thoroughly beat his ass.
We stopped being friends after that. We didn’t even speak to each other.
For the sake of growth; I knew that I had to do some self evaluation. As I did, I learned where my error was. My error was that I had an expectation of my former friend. I expected him to change his choice of words because I found offense in them. But that is not my right. Whether I agree with them or not, I cannot choose his words for him.
A similar thing often happens in relationships. One person may expect certain things from their mate and become very displeased when things do not go as they envision.
*Note: Expectations are not to be confused with Standards or Boundaries.
These are my definitions-
Expectations are the imposition of a person’s thoughts, ideals or behaviors onto another person.
Standards are a person’s personal guidelines for relationships, treatment, and/or behaviors.
Boundaries are a person’s guidelines put in place to protect their own peace and personal comfort.
It is healthy to have standards and boundaries.
That being said, I realized that having expectations of others only leads to disappointment if things do not go the way that I’d like.
I should not have allowed another person’s perception to have a negative affect on me. He has a right to his reality just as I have a right to mine. I do not accept his reality. I am not a gal, girl, bitch, or any other term used in a negative context. I am a woman. A creator. I am a goddess made of strength, sensuality, intelligence, beauty, and stardust.
And no one can take that from me unless I give it to them.
And this lesson; this realization has been so immensely liberating for me because it has freed me from the weight of other people’s behaviors. I take everyone at face value, maintain my standards and boundaries. And I govern myself.
I won’t be before you long- as I’ve heard many men of the cloth say but it was never true. 🤣
I just want to take a few moments to encourage some and remind others of this undisputable fact:
You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to do.
That is an actual fact. Think about that. Understand it. You can literally do anything you set your mind to.. as soon as you take the limits off of yourself. Anything.
Because when you set your mind that means that you are locked in. You are diligent, and you are focused on this thing. You apply time and energy to this thing daily.
And when you do that- the roadblocks crumble.
The obstacles move, and you formulate a way to do that thing in your mind.
And then you go do it. Then, you come back to step one. You focus on something else. Set your mind on it and repeat the process over again.
You can do anything.
So…what are you gonna do?
Feel free to comment and let me know what you plan to do!
I hope that this blog finds you in good spirits. I’ve been traveling all day, but I wanted to make it a point to discuss this topic before February ends… so here goes:
In February of 2003, I was diagnosed with Lupus, RA, (rheumatoid arthritis) and a couple of other things. As you could imagine; I was afraid. I didn’t know much about lupus, but what I did know wasn’t good. At all. A family friend had just passed away due to lupus complications. What’s more, I was in my third trimester of pregnancy! I was afraid for myself, my future, and my child.
I was in pain a lot. Undoubtedly, it put strain on my marriage. We were both young and not quite used to being adults. There were so many things to deal with at once.. I felt like a burden to my husband and I believe that I was going through postpartum depression as well. Some days, I could barely walk. My codependency increased as a result. I lived in fear for years and I counted myself out.
I realized that I had sentenced myself to a lifetime of pain, sadness, and mediocrity because of this diagnosis. I felt even more inadequate than I had already thought I was. Sometimes I settled for things when I knew I deserved better because I was just grateful that someone was willing to be with me with all the issues I had.
I found that I was inadvertently attaching myself to the illness. I often referred to it as ‘my lupus’. I would say things like, ‘Well, I can’t make plans because I never know when my lupus is gonna flare up.’ And ‘I can’t do that type of job because of my lupus.’
BUT…
There’s always a ‘but’…💖
But I’ve grown to understand that a diagnosis does not make me who I am. It does not define me! I am a person worthy of respect and love with or without that diagnosis. An illness does not make me less of a person. If anything, it makes me that much more unique and strong.
I began to understand that the way I thought and spoke had doomed me far more than any illness could. I had to stop giving that illness power over me!
*Disclaimer* I am not saying in any way, shape or form to disregard medical advice or diagnosis.
What I am saying is that people with illnesses could benefit largely by understanding their strengths and practicing a little detachment. I was making the situation worse by thinking the worst.
Occasionally, I feel some discomfort but it isn’t severe. I am so much more happy, healthy, and in control of my body and my life. So, if you’ve been diagnosed with an illness my advice to you is to decide right now that YOU are in charge. Do not attach yourself to it. Do not call it yours.
Love yourself, be gentle with yourself and remember that you are not your circumstances.
I hope that this piece finds you well and in good spirits.
Today, I had no idea what I was going to blog about. I considered skipping it this week, but for the sake of consistency I didn’t want to do that. Should I just post a poem? I wondered to myself. And then I received a suggestion:
“Love. How does the thought of it make you feel?” Okay, let’s go with that.
Instinctively I responded, “Scared but excited.”
Then I paused and gave the question some real thought. And then I realized some important things that I’d like to share.
“Perfect love casts out all fear.” Unconditional love and fear cannot reside in the same space. A love without conditions is perfect. It is open and free flowing. It has no limits, caution, or stipulations.
This is the exact opposite of fear. Actions fueled by fear are often performed with apprehension or some sense of obligation. (Example: If I don’t do this, they may leave me for someone else, etc)
My initial response was a conditioned one. That response was the response of my former self. In the past I was a person that had low self esteem and codependency issues. My fear surrounding love came from a fear of rejection because I correlated my own worth to the love and acceptance from another person.
It isn’t even true. I don’t feel that way. The thought of love does not make me feel afraid. I am secure in myself and my emotions.
I love myself. This journey of self discovery and self love that I have been on has taught me some beautiful lessons. I’ve been getting to know myself and love myself for exactly who I am. I know the value of my love, time, and energy. I am not afraid to love another person because I am not relying on their love to replenish me.
I replenish myself. I love and care for myself adequately and then I give love to others. If they do not love me back the same way- it’s perfectly fine! This is not a negative reflection on me. I understand that no one owes me their love and I do not take this personally.
So…how does the thought of love make me feel?
I feel bold. I feel limitless. And I feel completely empowered.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately in regards to my goals. As I grow and evolve, I find it imperative to not only identify my desires, but to set a plan in motion to obtain the things that I desire.
So, I asked myself what my goals are and even what my ultimate goal is. This is what I came up with:
The ultimate goal for me is to feel high without stimulants. To “get high” at will. I’d like to achieve a state of elevation and remain there. Additionally, I want to open and balance my crown Chakra and experience nirvana. For a moment I questioned myself. I wondered if my ultimate goal was perhaps a bit lofty. After some thought I decided that I’d rather live my life trying to obtain it than to prematurely count myself out.
I then formulated a plan to discover and experience my own bliss. I found that the key to nirvana for me is expansion. In order to expand, I must dare to step out of the predictable and the ordinary, and take that leap of faith into the exciting, creative, bold…intoxicating even!
I cannot settle for a dull existence. I will not resign to working a job that I absolutely hate just to pay my bills. Although I know I have to make a living, I will make the time to build the life that I want. The point of this human experience is to bound boldly and fearlessly out of mediocrity and explore the possibilities of life. And then take those possibilities and make them realities.. A reality where I love and live without limits and encourage others to do the same.
My goal is to be worry free- to be fearless. To appreciate life..to be grateful for who I am and what I have.. to spread love, passion, fire…To lose control sometimes and not always go with the safest choice. Not to be irresponsible or wreckless- but to be okay with not knowing how every day will end because somehow I know that life will be beautiful and superb. That is my ultimate goal.
And that is my hope and dream for you as well. For you to achieve your ultimate goal. There is room and time and space for each and every one of us to experience our own nirvana. Complete and utter bliss. We just have to dare to step put of our comfort zones.
Today, I wanted to do a follow up blog based on last week’s post. Last week’s post was a poem that I had written; entitled Can’t Find Happy.
While I was typing those words that I had written a few years back, I could recall the depth of sadness and misery that I was feeling when I originally wrote it. During that time, I was fighting with everything I had to salvage my marriage and make my family happy.
The man that I loved was unhappy. And although I was also unhappy, I put myself on the back burner and focused on him. No matter how hard I focused on his happiness, he seemed to always find something to be unhappy about. In turn, I became even more unhappy. This deep sadness had become depression.
I was an unaware, ill-equipped empath who was codependent and had trauma bonded with a narcissist. My environment was toxic. My self esteem was at an all time low due to being constantly manipulated and gaslighted, and I didn’t believe that I could leave and do well on my own. I felt trapped. I felt broken. And I felt oh so lost.
Can’t Find Happy was written in efforts to release my depression and despair through writing. Depression is very real and should be taken very seriously. It is a legitimate illness that has chemical effects on the brain and the body.
It isn’t always easy to spot, (some people who battle depression are very good at hiding their inner turmoil) but if you notice a change in behavior in a friend or loved one Please Follow Up with them! If they seem uncharacteristically moody, withdrawn, easily flustered, distracted, or lethargic, these may be indications that something is wrong. Follow Up with them. Show them that you care! Compassion is free.
And if you, beautiful soul; feel any of the previously mentioned symptoms. If you feel like you’re carrying a burden that is too heavy for you- Please reach out!
**There are people that care!
I care.
And things may seem heavy and hopeless now, but you can make it out of that situation. I was in a situation that I thought was hopeless and I made it through.
I was depressed, but I made it.
I was manipulated, but I made it.
I was broken, but I made it.
I was gaslighted, but I made it.
I was doubted, but I made it.
I was afraid, but I made it.
I made it.
I made it!!
And so can you.
And so will you.
And so ARE you.
A post from the narcissistic abuse support group I’m in…
During this time of year and this point in my life I find it to be of vital importance to celebrate.
I didn’t allow myself to celebrate much before. I felt that I hadn’t accomplished anything worth celebrating- except for create my daughter- and I didn’t do even do that on my own.
Over the years, I have learned and evolved much. I have looked into my past and separated the pain from the lessons. I have begun to truly know, love, and appreciate myself. I find that life is much more simple and enjoyable when I stop overthinking or worrying and just live.
Live and Celebrate.
Celebrate!
I celebrate each day that I am given. I celebrate my gifts and talents, my empathy and kindness, my body, my experiences, my wisdom, my sensuality, my intelligence, my uniqueness…
I just wanted to share some things that have been on my mind lately.
First, I want to acknowledge Pride Month because I feel like people should be able to love who they want to love. They should be able to be themselves authentically.
I want to acknowledge Juneteenth because I’m a black woman and I wouldn’t be where I am without it. I also feel that freedom is a right and not a privilege.
And last, but not least, I want to acknowledge Father’s Day. This was the first time that I was not able to hug my father or call him and tell him happy Father’s Day. To all the father’s out there- you are loved, you are valuable.
And now that I have addressed those things, I just want to say: go for it!
If you find yourself wanting to do or try things that you usually wouldn’t- go for it! Do it. Live out loud! Smile even though your teeth aren’t perfect. Sing, dance, love!
Rediscover yourself.
That’s what I’ve been doing lately and it’s been really rewarding. I’ve always enjoyed writing. And learning. But since I’ve been on this journey of enlightenment, self confidence, and self discovery; I find myself wanting to draw, color and paint.
I took animation in high school (many moons ago lol) and it was pretty cool. But after I took the classes, I didn’t draw anything. And now here I am, drawing again. I’m not great at it but I enjoy it. And that’s what it’s about.
Life is about enjoyment. We work and pay bills to maintain our livelihoods, but enjoyment is key.
Here’s one of my sketches that I outlined. And until next time; much love. Be blessed. And be free! 💜
Inner Glow Blog 